|National Buffoon Vatican Correspondent Pope Hilarious II Reports From Rome -|
Hello Gangrenes, Pope-a Hilarious here and I'm at-a the party here-a with the Cardinals. These-a boys are-a funny I tell ya'. Next-a time I have a conclave though, I'm inviting the St. Louis Cardinals instead of-a these old codgers and choirboy buggery chumps. They just don't-a know how to throw a decent-a conclave.
To start-a with I can't get a decent-a martini anywhere-a in this joint. I mean I figured with all the money and real estate-a these guys own-a, it wouldn't be a "bring-a your own" affair.
So anyway, we got off to a slow start here because most-a of these Cardinals tried to take-a more than 3 oz. of-a holy water with them on-a their flights and were all delayed. As-a you know folks, the old-a pope is-a retiring...I guess he wants to spend-a more time-a at home with his wife & kids-a. Oh, Cardinal Frederico Fellatio just-a told me the old-a Pope isn't married...so hey girls! He's-a single! Yes and-a he's rich-a too,,,,damn you know-a you can even wear his clothes, he has lots of nice dresses and cool hats!
With the old-a Pope retiring, more than 100 cardinals will sequester themselves in the Sistine Chapel with 200 alter boys to choose the next Pope. First they take-a a vow of silence-a (What happens in-a the Chapel stays in-a the Chapel). Then they play-a that game-a "Twister" without-a wearing any clothes. After they drink-a all the sacramental-a wine they do the Hokey Pokey...cause after all-a, that's what it's all about. Eventually, after they get-a tired of freeloading and wanking around, they will-a take a vote-a to see who the new pope is. Of course the first 10 times or so-a they all write-a their own name's on-a the ballot. When one of-a them get's-a drunk enough to not-a remember his own name-a, he writes some-a other name-a instead, and-a that's how a new-a pope is chosen. If-a nobody gets-a drunk enough, then they measure their disco sticks and-a whoever has-a the longest one gets-a to pick the Pope-a. Then they start preying...
While they are holed up-a in here, they send out-a the white smoke if they've chosen somebody, black smoke if they haven't chosen somebody, green-a smoke-a if they chose Willy Nelson, and a text message if-a they find out-a it's not-a the dark ages anymore.
I think it's-a going to be tough-a on the old-a Pope to retire-a. I mean-a it's such a big dramatic change. He will-a have to go-a from wearing a robe around all day to wearing a robe all day.
You know-a many many people will be missing-a him. I overheard-a this one little boy at his last-a mass shout-a that before-a Ratzinger came-a to town he didn't-a know what sin was.
And there was-a this fellow who was mayor of this little town on the Mediterranean who told me this-a touching story of when-a the Pope came to his town. Yes, he said all the residents had-a lined the street hoping for a blessing. The Mayor was sure the Pope would stop and talk to him, but was-a surprised when the Pope ignored him completely and instead whispered a few words to a filthy old tramp standing on the other side of the road. ‘Of course!’ thought the Mayor. ‘The Pope cares more for the poor and homeless, not the rich like me!’ So the mayor dashed over to the tramp,and bought his clothes,he changed into them quickly, then he ran to the end of the street and lined up again to see the Pope!. Sure enough the Pope saw the Mayor and walked over to talk to him. ‘Hey, you stinky piece of shit,’ whispers the Pope. ‘I thought I told you to get lost!’
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