Monday, October 10, 2016

Agonizing Awful Fashions You Should Wear (At The Same Time!)

The dumbest of all fashion statements ever...EVER.
There is a consensus that the trend began in prisons.
It signifies you are someone's "bitch", and the pants are positioned for easy access.
How it became a popular trend is hard to fathom.
But none of that matters really, it's awful and stupid aesthetically.

Ok, we know it’s supposed to be ART.
We know it’s a CONCEPT, but at the end of the day it is often hilarious.
Let's have some nyuks and giggles here as we examine some of the artistic ideas that have inexplicably been embraced by shills, lemmings, and buffoons everywhere over time.

The Wallet Chain Gang.

Wallet chains provide little to no function in both the practical and aesthetic sense,
but at least people wearing them will drown faster!

The Choker

No, it's not a Gotham City denizen.
So, want to bring to mind an act of extreme, life-threatening aggression?
No? . . . . .Right answer.
Unless you are active in the Sado-masochism club down the road, pass on this one.

The Leisure Suit

♫ 'Nothing could be stanker than leisure suits on wankers in the mornin' 


Tramp Stamps....

There is a clue as to why people should avoid these things is in the name.
It's tacky as a doorknob in a sorority house.

The Deep V

All the more offensive for how prevalent it remains, the Deep V is a staple of both douchebag summer and DOUCHEBAG winter.

Cats Eye Glasses
"Everyone likes cat eyes, right?"
Cold, judgmental, yellow. Nothing better. "Let's make people look like that."
Said some sadist...and they were listened to.

The Powdered Wig

So funny that you can't help but laugh at whoever's wearing one.
There's a reason for contempt of court. The first wigs were made from the hair of horses and goats and were filth laden due to the limited technologies of the day. They smelled of dung and tended to attract lice. In an effort to ward off the bugs as well as mitigate the stench, they were sprayed with  powder...usually lavender or orange scented.
Zubaz Pants...

Other than hiding an extremely overflowed diaper...there is no reason for this.
Originally appeared in the 80s, but because arsonists were lazy, warehouses remain that are overflowing with these loathsome items. They keep trying to bring them back and unload the old stock.
Give up all hope.

The Shiny Shell Suit

Pretty much the aesthetic equivalent of a puddle of vomit.
One of the many reasons the 80s sucked.

Those Shakespeare Collar Things
A quick google search reveals their actual name is "ruff collars", which is silly, but still not nearly silly enough to illustrate just how outrageously silly the things actually are.

Hairy Boots

Just say no to hairy boots.
Avoid wearers like the plague.

The Male Camel Toe.
Nothing says "I make bad decisions!" quite like the Male Camel Toe. It Must Go!

The 80s Big Shoulder

You'd make the stankface too if you were ever seen in these things.
The larger the shoulder the smaller the of them.

Completely and objectively hideous, right? They're so, so, egregiously terrible that the people wearing them are in on some kind of hilarious long-form performance art that reveals that the universe is made entirely of shit.
Parachute Pants

Aptly named since you will be thrown out of the plane if you wear them.

Gauged Ears
Synonymous with the phrase "Permanently Unemployed".
If you're a rational, marginally normal person,
possessing an IQ that qualifies you to ride the bus unsupervised,
there's literally no excuse.


Without a doubt, this is the most horrid and vile fashion ever imagined.
Because of the existence of JNCOs, we can't help but hope for some kind of disastrous, apocalyptic event to  occur and wipe out all known human history. Partly because any species that developed these monstrosities doesn't deserve to be at the top of the food chain, and partly because we can just imagine future archaeologists, millions of years from now, finding a fossilized pair of these ridiculous things and wondering what the hell could have possibly happened for these things to be a good idea. They'll never know, and neither will we.