Monday, December 26, 2016
Shitty Holiday Music List -The Worst Of The Worst
(1) Home For Christmas – N’SYNC
The lyric “You can light the fire
I’m sending out this wire (sendin’ a wiii-yahhh)”
… was the point for me where this horrid excuse for a song spun into the wall of tires at Joe's Tire Shop, sending warm fragments of Goodyears all over the place. Oh, and if any tinpot has been 'boyband' actually tried to light an open fire they would not find it easy. You can not just casually farm this out to someone through the medium of a crap ballad, that’s for certain. And it’s not like they offered to lob in a few dried twigs or lighter fluid, either…
Throw this one on the fire.
(2) This Christmas – Christina Aguilera
Before being royally stitched up by Maroon 5, any song involving Christina Aguilera used to always share exactly the same overriding theme – i.e. how great Christina Aguilera is, from the perspective of Christina Aguilera. Nowadays, however, musical wallpaper Adam Levine has the distinction of being the first ever musical collaborator to quash Aguilera’s trademark vocal into such indistinguishable middle-of-the-road mulch that you just have to take their word for it that she is on the recording at all. Maybe she helped them shift their stuff round the studio or something, or provided essential “vibes” throughout the recording. Anyway, This Christmas, surprisingly, is going to be a special Christmas for – wait for it – Christina Aguilera. From the point-of-view of Christina Aguilera, at any rate…
(3) Christmas in the Caribbean – Jimmy Buffett
Ah, here’s a promising concept. Hopefully the songwriter has immersed himself into island culture and really tried to imagine the festive season through the eyes of the people who live their lives in the Caribbean day-to-day, as opposed to, say, chucking together a bunch of pernicious clichés about their perceived easy-going approach to life, nice weather, and how everyone’s always happy all the time…
[3 minutes and 8 seconds later]
No. Didn’t think so.
(4) Eight Days of Christmas – Destiny’s Child
A pair of Chloe shades, a diamond belly ring, a nice back rub, some massaged feet (own), a crap jacket, some dirty denim jeans, a poem, a candlelit dinner, a gift certificate, the keys to a CLK Mercedes, and some quality t-i-m-e (basically, all the t-i-m-e outside the realms of this particular three-and-a-half minutes)…
Meanwhile, Kelly Rowland had to make do with some used Lego and a penny whistle, whilst Michelle Someone-or-other just got a hastily-written card bought from a gas station…
(5) Santa Baby – Madonna
When I first heard this one, I assumed it was just a bit of drunken piano-leaning from a long-forgotten eighties shlockmonger such as Bette Midler or Cyndi Lauper. I mean, this doesn’t even sound like … this … just sounds weird…
Madonna may have had some kind of bet on as to what she could release that Gwen Stefani wouldn’t immediately pilfer? You know, sort of a musical equivalent of the time Bill Hicks famously gave up smoking just to see if Denis Leary would follow suit?
Anyway throw this in the rubbish heap and never darken my ears with this again.
(6) My Grown Up Christmas List – Barbara Streisand
Ah, Barbara Streisand. She’s got a nose for a good tune. I’m sorry.
(7) Santa Claus is Coming to Town – Michael Bolton
Basically, any attempt to make a recording of Michael Bolton is a complete waste of recording equipment, studio time, electricity and oxygen. Oh, and in this case, saxophones and pianos that go “ker-plink-a-plinkity-plinkity-plinkity-plonk-plonk-plonk-plonk”…kill me now.
(8) All I Want For Christmas is a Real Good Tan – Kenny Chesney
That’s coincidental, actually, because all I want for Christmas is a condescending, cliché-ridden country track whose trite lyricism makes 3 Blind Mice seem like a Bob Dylan masterpiece.
And Chesney doesn’t disappoint on that front, either – check out THIS howler:
“Well if you’re thinkin’ ‘bout gettin’ me a present this year
Let me put a bug in your cute little ear…”
Yes, it does, doesn’t it? Worse than sundried vomit combined with fresh dogshit, in fact. And if you think THAT’S bad, take a look at Exhibit B:
“Don’t worry, baby, we’ll celebrate plenty
I’ll buy you some shades and a brand new bikini…”
Alright, he got all the way up to the word “plenty” and thought “Oh fuck, there’s no word that rhymes with ‘plenty’ and, not wishing to ruin any of his previous hard work, simply fudged the next line hoping no-one would notice. But he’s right. There is no word which rhymes with “plenty”. The nearest I can think up off-hand is “anal-entry”, so maybe Kenny can work his lyrical magic on that one next time…
“Rockin’ to and fro with the rhythm of the ocean
Singin’ Silent Night with the palm trees blowin’…”
… will probably just get you committed if you hear it more than once.
(9) I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – Jimmy Boyd
Interestingly, this is the 2nd track on this 10-song list by a person called Jimmy, meaning that, statistically, if you’re born in the US and called Jimmy/James, you are 20% likely to feature in a shit Christmas song! And that’s undeniable scientific FACT, ladies and gentlemen … *needlessly slams fist on desk*.
And you can’t argue with cold, hard logic at the end of the day…
(10) The Christmas Shoes – Newsong
I don’t want to sound heartless or anything, but did the kid really have to leave it until Christmas Eve to buy those shoes? And the man out of Newsong, he’s not much better, either. I mean, a kid with an ill mum is one thing, but what excuse has a fully-grown adult man got for doing his Christmas shopping on Chrimbo Eve? And he was in the line BEHIND the boy, meaning, if anything, he’d left it that much later than that poor, blameless little scamp with the ill mum. Actually, kid, you’re off the hook as far as I’m concerned – go and be with your mother – she’s lucky to have a son like you. Not like THIS knobhead who stood behind you – come on, Newsong man, let’s at least see what you’re buying…
*peers inside bag*
What’s this? Some sunglasses and … a bikini … do you KNOW what time of year it … hey, hang on a minute…