Junk Food You May Not Want To Buy

By National Buffoon Food Editor Thaddeus Creosote Esq.

JUNK FOOD FROM HELL

Stop into any convenience store, ask the clerk for this sweet treat, and you’ll receive the keys to the men’s restroom.

This is always a perennial favorite among Republican Senators.
"It's toe tappin' good" - Senator Larry Craig

Be sure to always examine your chocolate logs to make sure you are getting enough marshmallow bits in your diet.




Really? What is this? liquid Viagra? What's up with that logo?...Never mind.





One may be able to ignore the name itself until you look at the shape of things to come...so to speak.



I'll pass, thank you. Would this be a hard candy?



Uncle Joe's wintergreen toes are in a different can.





Well there's a lot of excitement behind this product...

Perhaps not the best of advertising firms was employed by Starburst.

The wizard of ooze....

No comments are required....but the look on the faces of the kids on the box says it all. Ouch!

One of the major sources of daily vitamin requirements...yup.

Does anyone crave one of these? These candies really stink.

This begs the question...why can't she do it herself?



Soylent Green now comes in your favorite flavors!

Oh come on now, language difference aside, they had to know.

Wha? Is this made from Strawberry Daiquiri concentrate?

Um...er... better change your sheets...

Well, at least this is named ironically with some intent involved.

It's not really "nuevo", and I'm passing on these...be my guest though....

How would you describe this? Piquant perhaps?

It's chunky!

Who says size doesn't matter?

Crack one open today!

Best served warm of course...

It's the real thing!

A new James Bond Femme Fatale? No it's ....

(Bet you can't eat just one!)




Oh my!

A good source of Vitamin C, or was that chlamydia?

Do you know where Maynard has been?

Alas poor Grandma, she suffered from dementia but maniac? I wouldn't go that far.

....The frustrated cannibal threw up his hands.

Dr. Tongue's House Of Physics

By National Buffoon Physics Correspondent
Dr. Tongue





In light of the dreadful circumstances & near equally dreadful media coverage of the disaster in Japan, it has become neccisary to update our definitions in the post Fukushima era we find ourselves in today. Here we have the revised words and meanings for physicists today.

Half Life - How much of your lifespan has now been lost by listening to the misinformation in the media's reporting on Fukushima.
Table of elements - The place where the seafood from Japan is being served.

Reactor Number Two - What happens in the stall after you eat McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1 in Japan.

Under control - Hopelessly out of control and probably likely to explode at any minute. As in, "Reactor No. 2 is completely under control now."

Neutron - The new sci-fi movie starring Jeff Bridges, as opposed to the "Old Tron."

Cesium - Part of the answer given by nuclear safety workers when asked, "Where is the Fukushima safety manager?" The reply? "I thinks I cesium somewhere around here..."

Safe - The new government euphemism for "more than enough to give you cancer." As in, "The radioactive fallout from Fukushima is now SAFE."

Nukular - How George W. Bush pronounces "nuclear." To master the "nukular" pronunciation, simply start with the word "nuclear" and then subtract one hundred IQ points.

Fission - The result of the collision between one loose cannon idea and a spherical critical mass of bureaucratic corruption in the power industry. The resulting explosion gives off two additional loose cannon ideas that go on to cause a chain reaction throughout the entire government leading to a total meltdown of integrity.

Preparedness plan - What the U.S. government now officially describes as "sitting on the couch watching TV while consuming McDonald's Happy Meal Combo #1."

Rapture Postponed Due To Rain

By National Buffoon Religion Correspondent- Elmer Gantry

One of the USA's leading douche bags, Harold Camping and his fans were disappointed when they were revealed to be complete buffoons on May 21st. Oh well, I'm sure they will find some other lunatic predicting the end of the world to follow...or will they simply continue letting Camping pick yet another day? One thing is for certain...as Frank Zappa suggested, hydrogen is NOT the most abundant element in the universe....stupidity is.

"I see dumb people"





Oh My.

Cheese Creationism Taught In Texas Text Books

Posted By
National Buffoon Science Correspondent:
Dr. Zachary Smith

As anyone can see from this actual photo the moon is made of cheese.

Scientists have criticized revisions to the Texas science curriculum, saying that many of the changes (scribbled in, using crayons) were rewritten to please a dental assitant & his largely uneducated friends who managed to get themselves elected to the Texas state school board by offering free dental checkups and "Truth" brushes (regular tooth brushes that have the word "truth" printed on them) to voters. The scientists claim the new textbooks are inaccurate and would affect textbooks and classrooms far beyond the state's borders. But those scientists are wrong. Why should anyone listen to them? What do they know about science anyway?

"In the beginning Gouda created the heavens & the earth" and he said "this is grate".
According to the ancient scribblers who wrote the Bible while wandering around herding goats in the desert for some reason, Goulda created the universe of cheese in 6 days. This primarily why the creator is known today as the "Cheese Wiz".
Everyone knows that folks 2 or 3 thousand years ago knew much more than people today about the universe and other large things. And everyone also knows a handful of fundementalists in Texas should decide what children learn in public schools.
Here are some exerpts from the real experts:

"One small step for romano..."

In 1969, while exploring the moon astronauts found a strange vehicle on the surface.

Yaba Daba Deutronomy

According to ancient videos unearthed by top biblical scholars at Bob Jones University and sausage manufacturing plant, the prophet Fred Flintsone visited the moon long ago. Undeniable as the evidence is, many inferior science books do not cover this event at all.
Today we know this is true because it says so in the video.

Man was not meant to live by Provolone According to the unearthed video evidence Goulda had a son named Cheesus who appeared to Fred and revealed his will to him. Afterwards he dictated the story of the garden of Edam. "Brie fruitful and don't camembert false witness" he said. Fred retorted "telemea more". Cheesus then revealed in his own Krafty whey the Emmental truths of the universe. Today we know these teachings as Fondue-mentalism. "Comte unto the lard" as it says in the goulda book.

Well the point is that the moon is made of cheese.
And Fred Flintstone was the first man on the moon.

So sayeth The Texas board of education.

The Bill Of Rats Replaces The Bill Of Rights

By National Buffoon Anton Scalia

"I like bubbles an' drool"

The New Bill of Rights

Much has changed in the United States since the Bill of Rights was written and adopted. The Scalia (TM) Supreme Court has replaced that original outdated document,and no wonder. Since we`ve gone from a country of a few million to a few hundred million. The nation`s desire to band together was replaced by a general revulsion of people. The birthright of justice and intellectual honesty has been exchanged for a penchant for inequity & unsubstantiated idiocy, the American Pioneer Spirit with the Pioneer boom box, the noble exegist for the Exxonmobil.
We are no longer the people who founded this country and our Bill of Rights should no longer reflect the empowering broad-minded thinking of those Deist revolutionary backwards trouble making upstarts... but rather, the interests of multinational cartels, foreign governments, and descendants of the robber barons. As we begin our assault on the 21st Century, my superficial mephistophelian colleagues on the bench and I have decided it`s time to end the interference of outdated concepts suggested in that damned piece of paper we swore to uphold (Ha ha!... right!) such as human rights, human dignity, and valuing human resources in general. The more modern concepts of human cannibalism, human bondage & human waste will be well represented in the new improved Bill Of Rats.

AMENDMENT I

Congress shall make no law establishing religion, but shall act as if it did; and shall make no laws abridging the freedom of speech, unless such speech can be construed as "anti-commercial speech" or "irresponsible speech" or "offensive speech;" by any sizable corporate lobbyist. Nor shall congress impinge upon the right of the people to peaceably assemble crappy imported furniture, where and when permitted; nor shall abridge the rights of Senators to proposition the juvenile pages of their personal choice. Government shall refer all cases of redress of grievances to Verizon's automated customer service in Calcutta. It shall be unlawful to cry "Fire!" in a theatre occupied by three or more persons, unless such persons shall belong to a class declared protected by one or more divisions of Goldman Sachs, in which case the number of persons shall be one or more except on Fridays, after 3 P.M. every 3rd month excluding leap years.
AMENDMENT II

A well-regulated military force shall be maintained under control of the President of Walmart. The right of the people to keep and bear arms shall be permited as long as they agree to being hypnotized for occasional assasinations of citizens viewed as subversive threats by Bank Of America executives.

AMENDMENT III

Common citizens shall, in time of peace, be drawn and quartered in any house without the consent of the owner, unless such house is believed to have been used, or believed may be used, for some purpose by AIG or one of it's numerous dummy corporations.




AMENDMENT IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures may be suspended to protect corporate welfare. Any place or conveyance shall be subject to search by law enforcement forces of any political entity, and any such places or conveyances, or any property within them, may be confiscated without judicial proceeding if believed to be used in a manner contrary to Walmart.

"I'm holding in a fart, it will travel up my spine to my brain so I can have some shitty ideas"


AMENDMENT V

Any person may be held indefinitely for a crime of any kind upon any suspicion whatever; and may be put in jeopardy of life or liberty by the state courts, American Express, MacDonald's corporation, China National Petroleum, J.P. Morgan Chase & Company, Comcast, AT&T or by the federal judiciary, and while incarcerated; may be compelled to be a witness against himself by the forced submission of his body or any portion thereof, and by testimony in proceedings excluding actual trial. Private property forfeited under judicial process shall become the exclusive property of the judicial authority and shall be immune from seizure by injured parties.

Justice Clarance Thomas


AMENDMENT VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused, according to the size of his bank account or credit line, shall enjoy the right to avoid prosecution by exhausting the legal process and its practitioners. Failure to succeed shall result in speedy plea-bargaining resulting in lesser charges. Convicted persons shall be entitled to appeal until sentence is completed. It shall be unlawful to bar or deter an incompetent person from service on a jury. And any persons guilty of poverty will be incarcerated without possible parole indefinitely unless needed for military service by Exxonmobil.

" Corporations are people, but women are not."


AMENDMENT VII

In civil suits, where a contesting party is a person whose private life may interest the public, the right of trial in the media shall not be abridged.

"Resistance is futile"

AMENDMENT VIII

Sufficient bail may be required to ensure that private prisons remain in operation and are profitable. There shall be no right of the public to be afforded protection from dangerous persons, and such protection shall be dependent upon incarceration facilities available unless they are a threat to an aristocrat, a CEO, or one of their designated agents masquerading as a Senator.



AMENDMENT IX

The enumeration in The Constitution of rights shall be construed to deny or discourage others which may from time to time be extended by the branches of Federal, State or Local government, unless such rights shall themselves become enacted by Amendment or whim of a Supreme Court Justice.

AMENDMENT X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution shall be deemed to be powers residing in corporations holding appointment therein through the secret defense private contractors, and may be delegated to the States and local Governments as determined by the corporate interest. The public interest shall be determined by it's designated representatives, lobbyists on K street.

National Buffoon Horoscopes- Your Future Is Bleak

By National Buffoon Cosmic Correspondent Claire Voyant





Aries: Most Aries are successful murderous psychopaths. Today a bout of uncontrollable flatulence will not endear you to anyone. The Universe laughs at you behind your back. Being a simpleton, you call ‘em like you see ‘em, but as you’re prone to hallucinations, this could definitely become an issue. Jail sentences between 5 and 10 years may be applicable to your situation today. ...



Taurus: In biscuits one can find redemption. Especially when soaked in Rum. Often malodorous, Taureans are renowned for their poor sense of humor and their ability to attract vermin. Of particular use in a Taureans faculties, is his/her ability to pick their nose ambidextrously.


Gemini: You will suffer great pain after messing with powerful forces you know nothing about. Namely Gravity. Many of your social hang-ups would disappear if you started wearing clothes.
Not all Geminis are annoying, some are dead.

Cancer: The meaning of life is ∑∫♣ØŒ∞ Åξ≡Ξ§¶¥ψδ. Yes! It’s that simple.
Today you will undoubtedly join or not join a Gospel Quartet with any number of people in it except four.



Leo: Don’t worry, the excruciating pain you’re in won’t last forever. It will however, last for the rest of your pitiful life. We'd like to help you out...seriously, which way did you come in? Leos are excellent liars and often have herpes. Give up all hope. Stay in bed.



Virgo: Your ship will come in but it's called the Titanic. You'll enjoy the hospitality of it's Captain, Joe Hazelton. Invest in swimming lessons. Many Virgos excel at absolutely nothing. No Virgo has ever contributed anything to civilization. Save your breath...You'll need it to blow up your date.


Libra: You will soon find that your life’s story is interchangeable with any reality television show. In other words trashy and completely useless. An old crush comes back and crushes you some more.



Scorpio: Today the world is your oyster, but your allergic to shellfish and will become deathly ill. At least pets and babies find you somewhat amusing. Well, not really, but they can't speak up. Most syphilitic lepers with giant tumors protruding out of their eye sockets are Scorpios.


Sagittarius: Most people will think that you are annoying but you already knew that. As a matter of fact you are starting to annoy me now! You are just down right goofy. Don't deny it you goofy bastard! You will meet a great love interest but they won't be your type...not inflatable.


Capricorn: This month will see Pluto move behind Uranus. Exactly what Pluto will do behind Uranus is anyone's guess, but the video should ship for about $19.99. You will be beaten senseless by some crackhead punk. No one will send you a 'Get Well' card. Your Mother will send a 'Thank You' card to the guy who did it.


Aquarius: Remember: Humans are just as scared of you, as you are of them. You will develop a relationship with a She-beast seeking new people to stalk and drain the humanity out of. You will be even more anal-retentive in the future.

Pisces: You get on well with most people because you see the good in everyone and are trusting. In other words, you're a dumbfuck without even the common sense of a carrot. Give up all hope.