Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Clueless Candidates Claim Climate Caused Capitalism Clown Crash

Good evening ladies and germs, nyuk, nyuk, nyuk, We interrupt our regularly scheduled programing for this special breaking news report. Apparently the U.S. economy is in the toilet.
It seems borrowing money from China to buy cheap unsafe Chinese goods and Saudi oil has not been as profitable as promised. Whoop Whoop Whoop! I coulda' told you that Moe! (Boink!)
Why I oughta....

Mild mannered capitalist by day, Secretary of the Treasury Paulson steps into a nearby phone booth and becomes... "Socialist Man!" America's new contemporary economic superhero!

The President Addresses the nation.
"Er, uh, well heh, heh, it seems lak dem communists were
sorta raght, ceptin' they wuz doin' it all backwards.
Dey wuz nationalizin' duh profits which is bad. Were a gonna nationalize losses which is duh 'merican thing ta doo!"

Sympathetic taxpayers react to the news

The nations top economic minds react swiftly.
Senator Larry Craig calls for emergency sessions to handle the emerging challenge.

A Bush Top Economic Adviser Speaks to Public Concern...
"Hi dare taxpayers, I'm in charge of you all bailin' out dem swindlers and con men.
Y'all bend over now an' squeal lak Sarah Palin."
"Heh, heh, heh"

RFE & Tehranchik are fighting the forces of corporatism and oligarchy!

"Heh, the upside to all this is it's cheaper to burn your dollars for heat this winter than oil, gas or even logs! So toss those greenbacks in your woodstoves folks!


CEO --Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO-- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing investors to mistake themselves for financial geniuses.
BEAR MARKET -- Where you go to buy bears.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as the market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What your investments make you.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYSTS -- Idiots who downgrade your stock.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A person whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for $240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who bought Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked up in a loony bin.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.

With all the turmoil in the market today - the collapse of Lehman Bros and acquisition of Merrill Lynch by Bank of America, etc. we can expect further consolidations and mergers. 9 new mergers were announced today alone!

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and become:

4.) Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:

5.) FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:

6.) Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers wil l become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7.) Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

8.) Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW

9.) Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

Campaign spokesmen for McCain, Obama, RadioFreeEuropa-Tehranchik, Bob Barr, Cynthia Ann McKinney, Ralph Nader, and Charles O. Baldwin have issued a joint statement placing the blame for the current economic crisis on unregulated cirrus clouds and their effect on marijuana crops domestically and abroad. Though the candidates differ on solutions to the problem.

RFE-TC have issued a policy statement that they would in fact do away with the Fed altogether
and return to the Gold standard (Cuervo and Acapulco). Their GRASSroots organization has been conducting field research in Columbia, Hawaii, Jamaica and their basements since the earliest BUDding days of the Campaign. Tehranchik said in an interview on CNBC earlier this week "Under a regulated UV lamp of RFE-TC stimulus, our economy will MUSHROOM!"
RFE meanwhile issued a press release calling for drastically increasing the GNP (Grass National Product) eliminating the trade imbalance. "Don't underestimate American ingenuity, we the people can smoke the competition!" he implored.

"Our policy just makes SENS...." he further added that farm subsidies would need to be increased to stabilize the market after many years of over regulation which drove prices up artificially. The AP is reporting that poles taken from barbershops indicate RFE-TC's appointment of Tommy Chong to head the ATF has been favorably received by 80% of the public. (Of course 73% of all statistics are just made up.)

Palin's Version Of The Last Supper
The Other Candidates Weigh In As Well
GOP Flips Bird At America
McCain and Bush announce their new energy plan.
Burn wildlife fouled from oil spills!
"We'll sell 'em to ya cheap" said Palin at a rally of
insane uneducated racists. "N' they are renewable! least fer a while."

"Our administration will be made up entirely of fictional characters to match the entirely fictional policies we propose."

Don't forget to vote folks!

No comments: