Thursday, December 18, 2008

North Pole Mail Is Answered!

Santa Answers His Mail:

Santa, do all of your reindeer really have their own names? - Johnny Wilmer, age 7, Scranton Pa.
Of course Johnny! Every single one is different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.

Dear Santa, how is it you can build so many toys so quickly? - Ellen Fisker, age 8, Raleigh, N.C.

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese! Political prisoners work themselves to death and it costs nothing (except for a minor bribe to the prison officials.)

Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited. Mitch at the IRS, age 42

Ho Ho Ho! My igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but also from the U.S. Tax Laws! Thanks to my corporate home office, that shares an address with Halliburton in Dubai, you can shove that audit up your chimney Mitch! Oh, and that substance I leave in your stocking this year will not be coal! Ho Ho Ho!

Santa, do you really deliver toys to every child in the world in a single magical night?
-Robby, age 5

As mandated by the courts, I only deliver toys to children I've fathered. Often it seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll be at your joint with bells on!

Dear Santa Claus or Current Resident: Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalog of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I am wanking it to your catalog would be her ordering and WEARING something from your catalog. Ugh! (I just vomited a little in my mouth...)

Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?
Little Lisa, age 6, Altoona Pa.

If I am not real you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. What a jerk.
You should seek professional help immediately.

Dear Santa, why is the sky blue and what happens to us when we die? -George, age 9
Ho Ho Ho! Why would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. In either case bug your mom til she hooks you up to high speed internet.

Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees? Tommy, age 9

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!

Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one? Joey, age 39

Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only non-retarded 39 year old who still lives at home in your mom's basement and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Save some poor pooch from the pound and quit bugging me you bum!

Dear Santa, My little baby brother died this year. I really miss him, Santa. I really do. For Christmas, I don’t want any toys or dolls. All I want is my brother back. - Jill, age 6

Ho Ho Ho! Jill, life is a short bittersweet adventure. Treasure each moment. Enjoy every bite of your sandwich Because sooner or later everyone you know will be dead. You too will be a slab jockey, a stiff, a rotting corpse. Yes everyone is doomed, except for me of course. Ho Ho Ho!

Dear Santa, You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate! * Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 49.99%. Fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on some very soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Santa,

Why don't you lose some weight? Seems like you are hitting the cookies a little too frequently! I'm going to start a new trend and put out some carrots and Slim Fast for you instead of milk and cookies.