The War On Christmas

Ahh, the smell of napalm and peppermint in the morning...

National Buffoon's Season's Greetings!

We the staff at National Buffoon,
would like to share
some of the magic and warmth
that always seems to find it's way into our hearts
this time of year.
From all of us
to all of you,
here is our special Holiday Treat!
Enjoy!!!

May all your eggs be nogged!

Amazing Strange Similarities Between Lincoln And Santa Claus

Strange But True Eerie Similarities Exist!

Lincoln had Marfan's and Santa Claus has Marzipan.

Lincoln and Santa both have towns named for them.
(Lincoln Nebraska, and Santa Fe N.M.)

Neither man has 8 letters in his name.

Lincoln Freed Slaves, Santa has Slaves. (Elves)

They both have beards!

They both suffered from eating disorders.

Lincoln sent Sherman to Georgia, Santa sent George a shirt.

Lincoln was shot in the head, Santa Claus drinks shots and uses the head.

As a Lawyer, Lincoln was familiar with legal clauses,
and as a lecher, Santa wants to show you his Lincoln log.

Lincoln split rails. Santa splits his pants.

Lincoln had a stovepipe hat. Santa comes down stovepipes.

Lincoln was known for his Gettysburg Address.
Santa was known for his North Pole address.

Lincoln was slain, Santa was sleighin'.

Lincoln's wife was named "Mary", Santa often says "Mary Xmas"

Both men have been spotted on the moon with Elvis by the National Enquirer

Santa‘s loyal helper is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Lincoln‘s loyal helper was Ulysses S. Grant, a red-nosed alcoholic.

Santa’s wife bakes cookies. Lincoln‘s wife was baked most of the time.

Lincoln lived in the White House. Santa‘s house is also white, because it’s covered in snow.

Lincoln suspended habeas corpus. Santa often wears suspenders.

Lincoln said "four score and seven years", while Santa "scores" with seven year olds.

Lincoln thought Washington was the seat of power, Santa wants you to sit on his lap.

Lincoln read Plato's Dialogues, Santa wears red.

As a young storekeeper in New Salem, Illinois, Lincoln walked a mile on foot to return a customer's change. Santa leaves presents that you have to drive to the mall to exchange.

Santa brings toys to children, Lincoln lost two children.

Lincoln debated Steven Douglas, Santa masturbates in Payless shoe stores.

Lincoln saved the Union, Santa shaved his bunion.

Lincoln lived in a log cabin, Santa leaves a yule log on your floor.

Neither of them have middle names, drove Buicks, or wear sandals.

Lincoln ran for president, Santa Claus has runners on his sleigh.

Lincoln was assassinated, Santa has a fat ass.

Santa's Steaks And Chops

Well it all started when old Father Christmas was surfing the web. He uses web cams to to peep in on the boys and girls these days to see who is naughty or nice. When what to his wandering eyes should appear? Why The National Buffoon of course, Santa was horrified at first but could not stop reading it..next thing you know he became addicted to reading the site.

Santa decided he would expand his meat business.
Why settle for merely peddling tainted meat from the back of his van?
Not when he could warm it up and sell it in a restaurant at quadruple the quadruped price!

Where does Santa put his gravy?
Why on Dasher, on dancer, on Donner, and Blitzen of course!


So he opened "Santa's Chops & Steaks"
Serving the finest game and roadkill in the great white north!

Today's special is Prancer Tartar!

"So come on up to Santa's Chops & Steaks, home of the 2.99 fried reindeer!
And Don't forget to try my New England Style Cat Chowder!
It's thick and chunky! "

So bring the whole family!
We have Poker in the back,
and liquor in the front.

Mrs. Clause has a package for all you naughty boys in the back.
Don't forget to tip!

Of course Santa still keeps his day job.
And a great deal of tradition and preparation is involved.

After enjoying his holiday ham, Kringle has to buckle down to the business of
disciplining all the naughty girls.

There is no shortage of naughty girls so Santa stays very busy.
Here he is at his workshop.

Of course Santa chopped up all the elves and served them in his restaurant.
Replacing them with child labor in Vietnamese sweatshops.

In the magic hours before he delivers his goods on Christmas eve,
He exposes himself to holiday shoppers all over the planet!

Then he fondles your mother.

Finally, in the wee hours before you wake up on Xmas morn,
he scours the nearby dumpsters and leaves what he finds under your tree!

Then when it's all over, he goes home, rolls a fatty,
and rides his bike...it's a Holly Davidson.

The staff of the National Buffoon
wish you and yours a very happy holiday!
But watch out for our editor...he's hiding in your tree!

Ho Ho Ho!

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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Krampus Is A Coming...

Krampusnacht is celebrated on the 5th of December. The Krampus is St. Nick's evil horned side kick known in France as Père Fouettard, the black haired dirty butcher, whom offer up punishment for bad children (and house wives) with tales ranging from simple flogging to cannibalism! On the Eve of St. Nikolaus Day, when a legendary bishop returns to visit to earth, he arrives bearing gifts and his big book of sins but he is joined by his companion Krampus.



A Krampusnacht Parade in Germany

Saint Nikolaus travels door to door doling out gifts to boys and girls who have been good all year, and those who have been bad will be dealt with by the Krampus. Disobedient children will awake to find shakes and slivers in their shoes, switches and parental spankings. Then a visit by the Krampus -St. Nikolaus's dark servant - a hairy, horned, supernatural beast with pointed ears and a long slithering tongue who will terrorize the bad until they promise to be good.



In the hands of the Krampus, even the most unruly child would promise to turn from their wicked ways.



In 17th century Europe, St. Nikolaus traveled with an array of somewhat unsavory servants, known as Zwarte Piet, Buzebercht, Knecht Ruprecht, Krampus, and Black Peter to name a few.



Have a look at the Krampus cards at this site, this was quite an industry!

During World War II, It appears Krampus shamefully pandered to the Nazis in postcards, doing a series of propaganda appearances in which he trounced and embarrassed British and French citizens and soldiers. So after WWII, it was rumored that Krampus had fled to Brazil and took part in an evil cloning scheme, but National Buffoon investigators failed to confirm those reports.

Remember folks-

Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day;
Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish.

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North Pole Mail Is Answered!

Santa Answers His Mail:

Santa, do all of your reindeer really have their own names? - Johnny Wilmer, age 7, Scranton Pa.
Of course Johnny! Every single one is different! Every reindeer has his own special personality and you can really taste the difference in the steaks.



Dear Santa, how is it you can build so many toys so quickly? - Ellen Fisker, age 8, Raleigh, N.C.

Ho Ho Ho! Because of my famous hard-working little helpers... the Chinese! Political prisoners work themselves to death and it costs nothing (except for a minor bribe to the prison officials.)



Mr. S. Claus, This letter will serve as a notice. You're being audited. Mitch at the IRS, age 42

Ho Ho Ho! My igloo in the North Pole not only shelters me from the cold, but also from the U.S. Tax Laws! Thanks to my corporate home office, that shares an address with Halliburton in Dubai, you can shove that audit up your chimney Mitch! Oh, and that substance I leave in your stocking this year will not be coal! Ho Ho Ho!

Santa, do you really deliver toys to every child in the world in a single magical night? -Robby, age 5

As mandated by the courts, I only deliver toys to children I've fathered. Often it seems like the whole world! P.S. If I'm not mistaken, your mother is a waitress named Sheila in Muncie, Indiana. Well, I'll be at your joint with bells on!



Dear Santa Claus or Current Resident: Victoria’s Secret is having its Once-a-Year Sale on Wonder Bras!

Ho Ho Ho! Santa is keeping this catalog of lingerie-wearing babes hidden from my old lady, Mrs. Claus! Because the only thing worse than Mrs. Claus discovering that I am wanking it to your catalog would be her ordering and WEARING something from your catalog. Ugh! (I just vomited a little in my mouth...)

Dear Santa Claus, One of the older girls at school says you're not real. Are you?
Little Lisa, age 6, Altoona Pa.

If I am not real you're a schizophrenic who writes imaginary letters to herself. What a jerk.
You should seek professional help immediately.



Dear Santa, why is the sky blue and what happens to us when we die? -George, age 9
Ho Ho Ho! Why would you be asking Santa these questions? Either you have no father or you do not have access to Wikipedia. In either case bug your mom til she hooks you up to high speed internet.

Dear Santa, Can you explain the birds and the bees? Tommy, age 9

Sure! But late night cable television programming does a much better job! Enjoy!



Dear Santa, All my life I’ve always wanted a puppy. Will you please send me one? Joey, age 39

Ho Ho Ho! Joey, you are the only non-retarded 39 year old who still lives at home in your mom's basement and writes me letters. I am sending you the Help Wanted section of the newspaper for Christmas. Save some poor pooch from the pound and quit bugging me you bum!

Dear Santa, My little baby brother died this year. I really miss him, Santa. I really do. For Christmas, I don’t want any toys or dolls. All I want is my brother back. - Jill, age 6

Ho Ho Ho! Jill, life is a short bittersweet adventure. Treasure each moment. Enjoy every bite of your sandwich Because sooner or later everyone you know will be dead. You too will be a slab jockey, a stiff, a rotting corpse. Yes everyone is doomed, except for me of course. Ho Ho Ho!

Dear Santa, You have been pre-approved for a Platinum Plus Credit Card from Chase Bank and Visa! And for a limited time only your credit transfers will carry a 0.0%* interest rate! * Interest rate is variable and increases to a daily compounding rate of 49.99%. Fees are $49. At any time, we may contact your bank, and switch all your money for SkyMiles on some very soon-to-be out-of-business Airline of our choice.