Monday, June 21, 2010

Musicians and Music Listener Ettiquette

By DC Magazine Music Editor, Ben New

Now I'm not admitting to being old. In music of course, this would be a cardinal sin equivalent to randomly murdering popular reality show contestants to make snuff films for Certified Public Accountants, or using the last bit of toilet tissue and failing to replace the roll. However there are signs that the musical apocalypse is perhaps closer than say, ...Cincinnati.

Musicians - You May Be Too Old For Rock And Roll
...take this quick quizz and find out for certain. You start with 100 points. Deduct 10 points for every question that rings true....( try to ignore the Tinnitus).

The signs that you have become too old to rock and roll, for those who have wisdom, include; but are not limited to:

1. Throwing your back out while performing a Pete Townshend style windmill.
(Deduct 10 additional points if you throw your back out lifting your amp on the stage).
2. You can remember numerous different club names for the same location ...
(deduct 10 more points if any of these end in " A Go Go")
3. You have a hazy memory of the days when you played 10 gigs in 7 days.
(and could actually physically do it)
4. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask guitar players to "turn up."
5. Drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
6. You could care less about being hip, but are very concerned about breaking one.
7. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
8. Your interest in groupies is limited to back massages.
(Deduct an extra 10 points if they are younger than your daughter. Deduct 20 points if they are not. Deduct 60 points if they have kids your daughter's age, or are wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, deduct 80 points if Wrinkled, Saggy, & Lumpy are the names they go by. )
9. Your new CD has a Large Print edition.
10. More than one song from your playlist is heard in an elevator. (deduct 10 points if you have ever sung along to any song heard in an elevator.)
11. Half your fans leave to go home and sleep at 9:30
12. Any one of these phrases is heard on your tour bus- "Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!", "No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.", "
Why is there porno in the VCR?", "No thanks, I don't want another beer.", "Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?", "No sorry ladies there's not enough room in the bus for you", or "Checkmate!"
13. Terrorists have more sympathizers than your band .
14. Your bass player drags the fast tempos. (deduct 10 more points if he drags the ballad tempos, Add 10 points if the drummer blacks out during ballads).
15. Your fans sink their teeth into a nice juicy steak, and they stay there.

If you still have 80 to a hundred points, rock on! If you have 70, party on dudes! If you have 60, well the postal service is hiring. 50 points or less, your either a living legend, too legit to quit, or certifiably insane. Your too old to rock and roll. But don't let that stop you! The good news is you have the answers!
No one asks the questions anymore though. Remember, aging is not for wimps.
Aging gracefully is like farting isn't going to happen...not in New York!

Never back down, don't give up the ship, surrender only to the music!
Remain awesome!


SadButTrue said...

Brilliant Ben. Your shows must be a hoot. I wish I lived in or near New Jersey so I could catch one.

OK, scratch that last one. Nobody should wish to live in New Jersey.

- your FB friend, David "SadButTrue" Tingley

Bobby said...

Jeez , thanks folks , i'm really feelin' it now !