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Musical Definitions

Musical Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the clueless conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a thorough thrashing of the singer before they enter.

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a former musician who can't play well that was given a stick to wave around for amusement instead.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: a technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found many musicians .

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what musicians do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, whom musicians pay no attention to, the result of which, is ignored by an audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: a bottle of Jack Daniels after it was discovered by musicians.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: refers to a former Alaskan 1/2 term governor.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but.

bass: things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country.

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

tempo: a used car musicians arrive in.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

transpositions: noun- male musicians who wear dresses.
verb- An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering in the middle of a piece.

cut time: parole.

order of sharps: what an idiot orders at the bar.

passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at barbecues.

middle C: a crappy fruit drink .

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

tuba: a compound word: "Hey, fetch me another tuba KY Jelly!"

cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
or The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola.

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

clef: what the orchestra hopes the conductor drives off of.

bass clef: where the conductor lands.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

melodic minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.

12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.

quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.

sonata: what comes out of your nose if you have a cold or hay fever.

clarinet: used as kindling to burn bassoons.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

bassoon: what you hope to catch and when.

french horn: my wife says I smell like a cheap one when I come in at 4 a.m.

cymbal: main character in The Lion King.

bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

aeolian mode: how you like cherry pie.

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where horses are kept.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of clarinetists."

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

accidentals: wrong notes.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.

chansons de geste: porno songs.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

crotchet: like knitting, but faster.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

embouchure: the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.

garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.

hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a racket.


interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you go back to the bar and drink until you fall upside down.

intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
(common for discount broadway play scores.)

minnesinger: a boy soprano.


musica ficta: when you lose your place and bluff until you find it again.

neums: renaissance midgets.

neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.

sancta: Clausula's husband.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

quaver: beginning viol class.

rackett: capped reeds class

ritornello: a Verdi opera.

sine proprietate: cussing in church.

supertonic: Schweppes.

trope: a malevolent neum.

tutti: a lot of sackbuts.


stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

agnus dei: a famous female church composer.

metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

allegro: leg fertilizer
.

recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

Audience - Musician Ettiqutte ~part deux~

By Dr. T. Sanchez,
National Buffoon correspondent - Hammond Organist Extraordinaire with The George Jetzon Band

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band or any of it's members is at the middle of a song when all members are singing at the same time, such as a multi-harmony part. This is the very best time to ask if you can play tambourine out of tempo, or request a song they don't know.

The hearing of band members is so advanced that they can pick out any tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around them. Musicians are always expert lip readers, too. So if a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, take this personally.
Pout, throw things, flip them the bird, trash the merchandise table, throw your drink at them.
They love this! They only pretend they do not.



Everyone knows singers have the ability to sprout a second mouth to talk with you and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't, it's because he is purposely ignoring you; if this happens, immediately cop an attitude and yell "you suck"...musicians love this.

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his head and yell directly into his ear, holding his head so he cannot pull away from you. This is an invitation to a friendly game of tug of war between his head and your hands. Disregard any regard for the musician's hearing. WTF? They don't need it for anything important.

REQUESTS

Musicians are all expert mind readers. So only refer to your requests with the phrase "play my song!" Band members have a chip implanted in their heads with an unlimited database listing the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar, so be vague as possible; musicians love the challenge. If they pretend to not remember exactly what tune you want, it's an intentional ploy to insult and offend you. Remember, all entertainers live to be offensive; we stay up all night thinking up ways to do this. The more people we offend the more popular we become. Also we ourselves never seem to get quite enough abuse, so any abuse that you can add will keep us in line!

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they knew the tune or they are lying to you. Try singing a few approximations of the words for the band. If one member halfway knows part of a chorus, the rest of the band will instantly learn the entire song by osmosis. Knowing this, if the band still claims to not know your song, just keep requesting the same song ad nauseum. Never try to request another tune the band actually knows.

Scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, AW COME ON! and, YOU BLOW! Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to get the band to play your song. The rest of the audience is plotting against you too! Throw up, fall into the band's monitors, knock their mic stands over, & pee in your pants.
This always results in the band playing that song you want to hear (that you can't recall the name of , or who did it originally). It also will make you very popular on the dance floor.
Nothing quite like spilled beer, dribbles of vomit on your clothes, and bleeding cuts to attract a dance partner! Oh and never brush your teeth, they love that! There's nothing quite as artistically inspiring as having someone with extreme halitosis get up inches from your face and yelling OOOOOZZZZZZZIE! or FREEEEEEBUUUUUURRRD!

Your choice of music should be a complete departure from what the crowd loves and cannot get enough of, i.e. if they're playing original blues, ignore this... demand to hear some country line dance or Lady Gaga (especially if the singer is a male and there are no synthesizers!) Now put a lot of money into the tip jar to bolster your argument. This will circumvent any lack of knowledge they have about your requested tune. The more money with which you tip the band, the more power you'll have to dictate what happens on stage. Feel free to use your money to bully the band.
Get really pissed off when they don't know your tune. (They are obviously liars!)

Entertainers are notorious fakers, and never prepare or rehearse for shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. They rely entirely on people to help them through the gig by insisting to sing out of key, play an accordion, kazoo, contra bassoon, or bang on a tambourine out of rhythm. While your at it, bring up your neighbor's kid who's had 2 or three lessons and insist he play the guitarist's beloved '59 Les Paul. If he gets popsicle juice all over the strings or drops it so much the better. Musicians love this. Better yet
bring that nephew who got a set of drums last week for his birthday and insist he replace the regular drummer for some tunes. The musicians will love it when he pokes holes in the drum heads, throws sticks at the bassist's head, or spits his gum on the microphone. Tell him to sing too. Everyone knows if you have a microphone it makes you a singer, there is no need to practice or take lessons or know any tunes. All audiences are thrilled to hear someone babble in monotone incoherent tongues rather than the band's vocalist. You will be their personal friend!



An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook. The band and club's income does not depend upon numbers of people patronizing the bar; screw them. Your request is all that matters. So if the current band is a blues or country band, it's the law that you must call out AC/DC or SLAYER!! Conversely, yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band. If there is a singer/songwriter or folk band, demand some Nine Inch Nails.
If there is a hardcore, reggae, or industrial act, call out ABBA tunes, Barry Manilow, and polkas.
If there is a female singer insist on a Doors tune.

If the stage is low enough try grabbing a band member by the crotch, especially during his solo. Musicians all are doubly inspired by the distraction and will play much better.


BONUS TIP: As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break, and then get on stage and start banging on their instruments; even if you are 86'ed, you have made your point. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position.



HELP THE BAND

Inform the band that you are a musician in a garage band, or singer in a Karaoke bar, be sure to let them know that you can run rings around them and they need you in their band. In fact, the sole reason the band has not exploded onto the charts is because they do not have you as their big break. And besides, that old guy singing the blues is just copying SRV and Clapton, in spite of the fact that he's 63 years old. Tell the musicians unequivocally that your mere presence as a member of their band will save them from the depths of mediocrity, and assure them of success beyond their wildest dreams. This works every time.



If the band continues to refuse your repeated demands to perform with them, stand on the dance floor and perform with every tune they do. If they still won't let you perform with them, be disruptive. Do everything you can to be louder than the band. Nothing asserts your superiority like an out of tune harmonica or vocalist, or a tambourine played out of tempo.
Scream as loud as you can. Bring one of those emergency boating air horns and toot it as often as possible, badger everyone in the band until they let you on stage.

Once you've made it to the stage, lean way back and "truck" around dramatically with a tambourine while spilling beer in the monitors. Knock the guitarists mic stand into his face.
Trip on the cables and fall into the drummers kit knocking it over while yelling "Rock And Roll".
Remember to bring a tuba, bodhran, or lawnmower. You will receive extra credit! Use these instruments in tunes that do not have them in the original recording; musicians love to play cover tunes with instruments that do not belong there. They will overlook how badly you play and will wonder how they have gotten along all these years without you.


During breaks go sit behind the drums and play a bunch of crap. When they ask you to stop, play the drums with razor blades. Though you've never touched one before, play the bass. How hard could it be?
There's only 4 strings. When the bass player asks you to put his bass down, push him off the stage. (If the stage is outdoors near a body of water push him in. If he's drowning, throw him his amp.) Kick the singer in the throat and use those razorblades on the guitarists fingers as they throw you out.

Now that you've helped the band, it's time to go help the sound man!

Musicians and Music Listener Ettiquette

By DC Magazine Music Editor, Ben New

Now I'm not admitting to being old. In music of course, this would be a cardinal sin equivalent to randomly murdering popular reality show contestants to make snuff films for Certified Public Accountants, or using the last bit of toilet tissue and failing to replace the roll. However there are signs that the musical apocalypse is perhaps closer than say, ...Cincinnati.


Musicians - You May Be Too Old For Rock And Roll
...take this quick quizz and find out for certain. You start with 100 points. Deduct 10 points for every question that rings true....( try to ignore the Tinnitus).

The signs that you have become too old to rock and roll, for those who have wisdom, include; but are not limited to:

1. Throwing your back out while performing a Pete Townshend style windmill.
(Deduct 10 additional points if you throw your back out lifting your amp on the stage).
2. You can remember numerous different club names for the same location ...
(deduct 10 more points if any of these end in " A Go Go")
3. You have a hazy memory of the days when you played 10 gigs in 7 days.
(and could actually physically do it)
4. Your hearing has deteriorated so badly that you actually ask guitar players to "turn up."
5. Drugs are keeping you alive rather than killing you.
6. You could care less about being hip, but are very concerned about breaking one.
7. The only white powder to be found amongst the band members is foot talc.
8. Your interest in groupies is limited to back massages.
(Deduct an extra 10 points if they are younger than your daughter. Deduct 20 points if they are not. Deduct 60 points if they have kids your daughter's age, or are wrinkled, saggy and lumpy, deduct 80 points if Wrinkled, Saggy, & Lumpy are the names they go by. )
9. Your new CD has a Large Print edition.
10. More than one song from your playlist is heard in an elevator. (deduct 10 points if you have ever sung along to any song heard in an elevator.)
11. Half your fans leave to go home and sleep at 9:30
12. Any one of these phrases is heard on your tour bus- "Boy, I can't wait till we get to Omaha!", "No, the monitor mix was perfect. I just screwed up.", "
Why is there porno in the VCR?", "No thanks, I don't want another beer.", "Shouldn't we go back for the drummer?", "No sorry ladies there's not enough room in the bus for you", or "Checkmate!"
13. Terrorists have more sympathizers than your band .
14. Your bass player drags the fast tempos. (deduct 10 more points if he drags the ballad tempos, Add 10 points if the drummer blacks out during ballads).
15. Your fans sink their teeth into a nice juicy steak, and they stay there.

If you still have 80 to a hundred points, rock on! If you have 70, party on dudes! If you have 60, well the postal service is hiring. 50 points or less, your either a living legend, too legit to quit, or certifiably insane. Your too old to rock and roll. But don't let that stop you! The good news is you have the answers!
No one asks the questions anymore though. Remember, aging is not for wimps.
Aging gracefully is like farting elegantly...it isn't going to happen...not in New York!

Never back down, don't give up the ship, surrender only to the music!
Remain awesome!