Thursday, March 1, 2012

What Super Powers Does God Possess?

We all know full well that supernatural powers come in many forms.
From the tingly spidey-sense of Spiderman, to the rubber limbs of  Reed Richards;
from the ability to ingest mass quantities of illegal substances of Kieth Richards, 
to the thunderbolt attack of Pikachu. 
Superman, of course,  has a plethora of them.
But nobody is said to possess more super powers than the God of Abrahamic religions.
Kryptonite can not even defeat his superpowers!  Nope.  

God pokes Adam in the eyeball

 However it has come to the attention of The National Buffoon staff that there is more myth than pith to this P.R. campaign. For instance it is apparent he was unable to create mankind the way he had hoped.
It seems those he created in his image, the humans, turned out rather badly in his own view. 
God decided to drown 'em all and try again...
maybe with skunks or squids as the dominant life form going forward.
His superpower of omniscience apparently failed as he did not forsee how mankind would turn out (or perhaps he's just fond of  drowning people). His superpower of eternal consistency failed next. He changed his mind, and didn't actually drown everybody,  instead  he decided not to start everything over after all. So much for eternal wisdom I suppose. Furthermore, it appears he is limited by the following paradox: Can God create a stone so heavy that he himself cannot lift it? If he can, then he does not have unlimited strength, but if he cannot, his powers of creation are limited.
In Judges 1:19 -
it is revealed that  Iron Chariots are this God's kryptonite. "Now the LORD was with Judah, and they took possession of the hill country; but they could not drive out the inhabitants of the valley because they had iron chariots.". This explains why God is also dismal at preventing car crashes.

Ok, it's not the devil, it's some actor. But he looks like the devil eh?
God's superpowers of perfect goodness and/or omnipotence seem to constantly fail.
Surely the universe could have been created without suffering.
Even morons like National Buffoon contributors could figure out how to give mankind freewill
while still teaching  mankind to become good and attain salvation
(of course, contributors to the National Buffoon are not nearly as smart as they think they are...
although they do like to pretend that they are Gods from time to time).
For example, a perfectly wise and all-powerful being could certainly create a universe where each and every soul was led, through reasonably wise and compassionate teachings,
to redeem itself and earn  a halo...
no matter how long it might take.
After all, God is without time, so  there is literally all the time in the universe to save the wayward humans. Either God was unable to create such a universe, in which case his  superpower of omnipotence failed; or else he really enjoys giving Sudanese babies diseases which make them poop themselves to death or allowing GOP presidential debates to be televised over and over until mankind's IQ is diminished by 80 points. In this case the superpower of perfect goodness is an eternal  big flop.

That's right folks, every sinner is and will be born with no choice of escape whether they like it or not. I suppose Christians will argue that Son O God offers some salvation if you follow the rules of one of 50,000 cults that claim to know just what this procedure is (It usually involves giving cash to some guy with an awful toupee, wears a purple dress, or some kind of pointy hat).

The rational man must eliminate wasteful thinking such as religions
 In a universe created and ruled by an incompetent, impotent,
or perhaps even evil God, mankind cannot even look to
Superman, Bat Man, Bono, or Atom Ant to save them.
God holds all the cards, and they are marked.
Or does he?
One can  kiss ass and grovel in hope that they aren't one of the individuals singled out to die in cancerous agony and then be tortured eternally in Hell after that.
Or not.
What have you got to lose?
Forget this nonsense, live your life as best you can and respect others doing the same and chances are no different regarding being force fed your own liver by some horned demon concocted by some lonely tribesman who also believed that eating a shrimp or shaving would condemn your eternal soul...a guy who didn't have sense enough to stop wandering around in the desert thousands of years ago.
The universe will end in heat death regardless of whether or not you grovel and kiss holy butt.
The past is gone.
A mere memory that will disappear with your eventual demise.
The future is always in the future,
it never exists.
What about the present?
Well sorry, but I didn't get you one.
(Yes, all you have, all you really know, is right here right now in this very nanosecond.)

  If  a God really existed and had super powers as advertised,
why did he not use them to prevent  Steven Tyler
 from singing the National Anthem at a televised sporting event?
 Certainly any decent deity would cure AIDS,
 turn Russel Brand into a radish,
 and bring lasting peace to the Middle East.

 Alas the only super powers we can bear witness to,
 continuing invisibility,
and the appearance of an occasional icon
on some toast, a crisp, or some stain in a men's room stall in Alabama. 

Have a nice Opus Dei!

1 comment:

SadButTrue said...

If he really created Adam in his own image, in whose image did he create Eve? I don't think Playboy or Penthouse existed back then.

Considering all the problems that we have just due to overpopulation (consult your Thomas Malthus on that, or Paul Ehrlich, or the Club of Rome) I think he really fucked up when he told Adam and Eve to 'go forth and multiply.' Apparently his omniscience took a day off when exponential growth was taught at g0d school.

There are a million more objections where that came from.