Wednesday, May 29, 2013

Bachmann Quits, World Sighs With Relief

Former VP Dick Cheney congratulates Congressman Bachmann on her failed 2012 presidental run while Bachmann herself crazily fixates on a bouncing potato off in the distance.


Michele "BatGuano" Bachmann  is the bat-shit-crazy transgendered United States Congresswoman from Minnesota's embarrassingly mentally deficient 6th District. Michele is a card-carrying member of the Republican Party who foolishly attempted to win the White House without any concept of where it might be. Her husband would have been the first gay first lady. Michele is also an avid reader of  Mein Kampf (which she claims was written by Jesus)  & Where's Waldo?  (Same idiotic claim).
 Bachmann was born in the rumble seat of a runaway bus during the worst nine-month-long blizzard in Minnesotan history. After this fact was discovered, the suicide rates in Minnesota rose by almost 9000%. Her father was Fonda Peters and deserted the family for a career as a door to door puppeteer.  Bachmann was allegedly abducted by hulking, 13 foot, gay aliens from the planet Splunk (identified in 1996 as 70 Virginis b) on her way home from gobbling corndogs at a football game. She was found the next day wandering in a cornfield, still in her rumpled and soiled cheerleader outfit, her hair and brain askew. She claimed that many strange football-shaped divots on her ankles were the result of medical experiments and fashion makeovers conducted on her by these gay aliens which are invisible to all but herself. This is generally believed to be the source of Michele Bachmann's rampant homophobia. The next event that was to leave a lasting impression and guide her path toward absurdity was an unexpected encounter with the Almighty God Himself. Michele Bachmann met God while playing miniature golf when she was only 42 years old, who spoke to her from the mouth of the big frog on the 18th hole. The frog told her that, quote, "A wet bird will definitely not fly backwards in the night. Are you a wet bird, Michele?". It was right there on that fateful Putt-Putt course that Destiny grabbed Michele by the tonsils and shook her until she agreed to immerse herself in the wonderful world of mixing lunacy with politics. Michele announced she would not seek re-election the day after polls indicated she'd lose anyway amidst half a dozen FBI investigations regarding misuse of campaign funds. Bat Guano futures declined sharply on the commodities market following the announcement. She will continue to receive huge farm subsidies for her 3 tomato plants and will no doubt continue to embarrass Minnesota in the future.

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