Wednesday, July 3, 2013

The 10 Condiments

  A shrubbery!
A talking shrubbery!
One that looks nice, but is not too expensive.
It is a good shrubbery. I like the laurels particularly.
Yet this one is on fire.
The Bush Speaks...
Bush: Moses! Moses, Leader of the Israelites!
(Moses looks stunned, drops to his knees in awe and bows his head to the ground in front of the burning bush.)
Bush:  Oh piss off, don't grovel! If there's one thing I can't stand, it's people groveling.
Moses: Sorry--
Bush: And don't apologize.
Every time I try to talk to someone, it's "sorry this" and "forgive me that" and "I'm not worthy".
What are you doing now!?
Moses: I'm averting my eyes.
Bush: Well, don't. It's like those miserable Psalms -- they're so depressing. Now knock it off.
Moses: Yes, Lord.
Bush: Right!
Moses, leader of the Israelites, your people shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
Moses: Good idea, Lord!
Bush: Of course it's a good idea! Behold! This is your task!
to deliver the Israelites a pizza from Egypt.
Moses: A blessing!
 The Burning Bush

 Obviously Moses was completely stoned...stoning is of course was quite common back then,
People were always getting stoned.
So later, Moses approached Pharaoh and his advisers to ask for a Pizza.
Pharaoh and his advisors say, "Ni!  We want a shrubbery!!!"
Moses says, "I already found a bloody burning shrubbery in the desert.
It told me it was God, and told me to deliver the Israelites some pizza from Egypt."
Pharaoh asks for proof that Moses speaks for God,
so Moses whips out the holy hand grenade
  Aaron pulls the holy pin, making mincemeat of half the advisors.
Which was used as a topping, since sausage was forbidden.
So after delivering the Pizza, Moses revealed what the Burning Bush had said.
It was some guidelines actually.
Nothing about condiments at all really.
Written on the back of some stone pizza baking sheets.
And as best as can be deciphered from the scrawling of a hallucinating person;
here is what they said:
  • I.  Thou shalt not hold your local God liable for any damages, material or emotional, directly or indirectly caused by the Universe nor seek warranty for faulty product.
  • II.  Thou shalt dress in plaid polyester with ridiculous hair and call all music groups quartets regardless of how many members are in them.
  • III.  Thou shall not eat "chicken" nuggets from fast-food restaurants, as it is impure.
  • IV,  Thou shalt not remove the tag from thy mattress, nor desire its removal thereof.
  • V.  Thou shalt not credit the local Lord thy God for thy team's victory.
  • VI.  Thou shalt not use the Lord's name in Spain.
  • VII.  Honor thy famine and they modernism.
  • VIII.  Thou shalt pat thy belly. Okay, SIMON SAYS thou shalt pat thy belly.
  • IX.  The English shall not give back Northern Ireland until the Irish take back Riverdance.
  • X.  Love thy neighbor as ye love thyself. However, thou shalt not love thyself too often lest ye go blind.

(Da Vinci's famous painting of the burning bush)

Right about that time, Egypt was smitten by the ignited bush with (count'em) 10 plagues. 
Killer rabbits.
Dead parrots.
The Spanish Inquisition.
Silly walks.
1000-ton weights.
Plague six. There IS no plague six!
Crunchy frogs.
Giant badgers.
Upper class twits.

Moses never wanted to deliver the Isrealite's pizza anyway.
He wanted to be a lumberjack.
Which is of course silly since he was in a fucking desert.

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