Chris Christie gathered supporters at his old high school in Livingston, New Jersey after being snubbed by Rupert Murdoch. Angry not to have been included in the Fox Republican Debates, Christie announces his plans to give America a giant wedgie. Yes that's right, "and that pussy Ted Cruz will eat my shorts too" he said in a press release.
Known for his blunt abrasive style, the loose cannon Republican anti-union candidate unveiled his new campaign slogan by etching “Suck it America” into a locker with a half digested pen, then shoving Bobby Jindal’s head into its door and demanding that he read it back. When the stunned victim struggled to recite the words, Christie jammed a tampon down his throat and sucker punched him in the gut before sticking his head in a urinal and flushing.
Christie is the first GOP candidate among the 200 or so who claim to be running to set forth a national noogie policy. He made it clear that his direct “Vote for me or I'll kick your sorry ass” slogan will be central to his campaign. After cracking his knuckles and spitting into the faces of the audience, he declared, “All you dipshits suck.”
Although he didn’t provide specifics on his foreign policy strategy, Christie stated it would be heavily centered around “whooping the teachers asses.” When asked about his stance on immigration, he said "That's right, it's a stance...I'll stand on their backs until they break". When reporters inquired about what he'd do about the growing poverty rate in the country, he chuckled and said " I'll close that bridge when I come to it" while kicking the school's janitor in the balls.
The New Jersey governor added a personal touch to his speech by reminiscing about his high school memories. “Why did I choose here for my press conference? Because I friggin’ owned this place.” He pointed to the cafeteria. “You see that table? That’s where I smashed that nerd Bret Baier's ugly face into a bowl of fish sticks. Told that chucklehead it was the closest he'd ever come to eating pussy.” "I hated those teachers though, they sent me to detention for beating up the nerds...that's why I have striven to take away their benefits, insulted the shit out of them, and attacked education at every opportunity! I promise to destroy public education for the whole country if elected. It's revenge you see. Ya' friggin' pussies."
Christie concluded his speech by having a state policeman taze an audience member, and then he drew a penis on his cheek with a Sharpie, after which he challenged Rick Perry to a “smackdown in the senior lot after fifth period.” While state workers struggled to lift his liter and carry him across the football field to a helicopter, a reporter asked why he was running since Trump really provided the same comic relief. "Your a faggot" he exclaimed while literally strapping on a feed bag full of Wawa hoagies. And as the helicopter lifted off he gave everyone the finger.
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| Although Christie has no chance whatsoever of winning the GOP nomination he will be at the convention and the GOP will use him for a blimp. |
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