Friday, August 7, 2015

Republican Debates Are Over, Who Will Clean This Mess Up?

The Debates are over. Who won? No one really.
Who lost? The American people.
In a straw poll taken after the debate, a new fear has stricken Americans.
Yes, they are deeply concerned that the rest of the world might have seen it.
And fear the United States’ prestige around the world has been flushed down the toilet.
Airlines expressed concern international broadcasts of the debate would greatly diminish their business. As people from the US will never desire to ever travel abroad or talk to foreigners again.
In another measure of Americans’ discomfort with Fox's televised event, those surveyed strongly agreed that the U.S. government should block the foreign transmission of any future debates, and that Fox News should air a disclaimer and explanation of the contest beforehand, but no one had any idea what that explanation could possibly be.
Domestically there was an upside...the pharmaceutical companies report a marked increase in sales of both anti-depressants and anti-nausea medications!
It is felicitous that Trump is in the race, after all it's become simply another "reality TV show".
With all the class and intelligence of the typical genre. With a wealth of candidates and 16 more of these shameful displays of ignorance and embarrassing amentia on tap the show's producers hope it will be as big a hit as their other lousy embarrassing reality shows, "The Jersey Shore" & "Ew, Who farted?" 

In case you missed it here's a synopsis.

The candidates all agreed Jesus wrote the constitution, and all were in favor of more war and military spending. They all also agreed that all government spending that didn't directly benefit the billionaires and multinational corporate oligarchs was bad. Arguments broke out about who was loonier, who God said he was voting for, and which Clinton they despised more...but other than Trump's bombastic remarks, it was all predictable and silly. The same old crap about the billionaires being over taxed and military spending needing to be increased. The same old crap about programs that benefit people other than the billionaires are evil. Research, public education, evil! Walmart good. Coal and Koch industries good. "Look fire come from tiny box!" OOO   OOO!
Rubio pointed out afterwards that his wife was a Miami Dolphins cheerleader, which is nice because she would know how to appear to be enthusiastic about someone who stands no chance of winning.

Scott Walker announced his plan to destroy Planned Parenthood by forcing horny teenagers to stare at photo of his face. Why is all his hair on only one side of his head?  Why do all these guys have weird hair of one kind or another? Maybe they are all Martians in poorly outfitted rubber human suits? Hey it's more plausible than anything said during the televised harebrained foolishness passing for a debate.
Mike Huckabee said that every animal on earth lived within walking distance of Noah's house.
Donald Trump proposed a gold plated helicopter replace Air Force One.
Bush discussed strategies to limit minority voting. Inexplicably Ben Carson contributed some ideas.
Then Jeb added "As Governor of Florida, I got my brother elected & thus... killed a bunch of innocent Iraqis and created ISIS. You're welcome"
The candidates argued about which scientific facts pissed them off the most while Chris Wallace ignited one of Bret Baier's farts with a lighter. Scott Walker told Megyn Kelly he liked rape and incest. Rand Paul admitted he wanted to be the president so more people would kiss his ass every day. They all agreed they liked fetuses, and want them all armed with machine guns, but they don't like vaginas except for Trump. They agreed vaginas were tolerable as long as they had muzzles.
Megyn Kelly said "Hey now, let's cut out all the crazy talk we've all encouraged and glorified since going on the air back when Bill Clinton was the president!"
Kasich claimed he should be president because his father was a mailman.
Ted Cruz claimed he had the best plan to screw over the middle class, and lamented about not being the one who killed that lion. The debate was made more colorful by the addition of not just Ben Carson, but "audience" questions via facebook Fox News fans.
These were the hard hitting questions of the evening.
"What's your favorite Ricky Martin song?"
"Do you watch game of thrones?"
"What do you think of Hillary's Hair?"
"Hey was the moon landing real?"
"Who should I hate once Obama is gone?"
"Do you think you should pay taxes?"
"What do you think of this crazy spherical earth talk?"
"How exactly do you get your head that far up your ass? Yoga?"

After the show, no one at Fox was available for comment, they were all too busy celebrating Jon Stewart leaving the Daily Show by popping champagne bottles on Bill O Riley's Penis.


1 comment:

bob b said...

oh my oh my so much stupid in one place at the same time, terrifying. P.S. i like the little box that asks if I am a robot, actually i would be ashamed to admit i was a repub thankful am i not