CUPERTINO, Calif. - Apple Chief Executive Orifice Tim Cook refused to apologize today for being a pompous cunt. During a brief press conference he was asked by National Buffoon reporter Peter Fitzinwell if he realized that a Mac was in fact a PC. Cook said "of course, but the pretentious Crapple fanboys are essentially retarded narcissists and buy any piece of shit we stage an overblown introduction for". "Hell, we haven't really improved our shitty operating system since 1986. We change the shape and size of the containers, we change the names. But improvements? Don't make me laugh, there's too many suckers out there. We make far too much money off our shoddily manufactured crap and pay so little for labor...while pretending to be socially responsible...I mean we did after all install suicide nets at no small expense on our iphone factory. We have no incentive to change our business model!"
He further elaborated "Crapple makes things that are sort of like computers, but designed for gullible hipster douchebags who want to be pompous shitheads just like us!"
"But this is not why I called this Press conference" he said, and came to the point.
"You remember our iMap software had er...glitches. Well one of the glitches was that instead of displaying accurate information, it completely misrouted directions and urged iPhone users to "Kill ... Kill ... Kill" in an eerie, high-pitched voice.
We were legally compelled to pretend to be sorry for the frustration that caused our customers.
We did everything we could to make iMaps better, and this is the solution we came up with...we changed the name!"
Cook said in a letter to customers posted today on the company's website that the new name for the defective app would be the iKillKillKill...and when people clicked on the link to read it, it sent out a signal that told people to kill.
|Cook excitedly introduces Crapple's new iKillKillKill app.|
Cook commented "G.E. is by far the leader, but they are an old money company and tax ripoffs are expected from them. We lead Google in the Tech sector...why Crapple siphons over a billion dollars a week into foreign accounts so the US doesn't get a dime in revenues from it! Ha Ha Ha!"
The exciting new iKillKillKill software developed by Crapple adds features such as turn-by-turn bludgeoning, axe navigation, and auto firearm detection; which always provides instruction for loading ammo. it still offers unreliable landmark searches as an additional feature of course. But along with routes that get users lost and directing them to the wrong country it emits an almost hypnotic subliminal message to murder!
"Dude, it was like hairy" said iPhone user Willy Pimples, 19, of Palmyra, N.J. "I was looking up directions to the Pennsauken Skateshop, and next thing I know, I'm trying to hatchet my mother." Fortunately, Willy's mom was able to snap her son out of this trance by smashing his face in with his can of Red Bull.
Others haven't been so lucky, according to FBI Special Agent Dick Bender, who says his agency has tracked more than 2000 murders - primarily strangling, stabbing, bludgeoning and people who had iPhones crammed into their anus.
"That's great" says Cook. "It may have been a problem for something called an iMap...but as an iKillKillKill app, users will be delighted. And obviously this will be a huge seller in the United States where mass murder is now the national pass-time. But I think it will help spread senseless violence to the rest of the world too. We at Crapple are always trying to appear to be innovating!
National Buffoon interviewed Willy Pimples and asked if the fact that it could cause him to kill his mother or other close family members might make him want to exchange his iPhone for some other type of smart phone, Willy responded by saying, "Actually, I've been thinking about getting a Blackberry." Then he burst out laughing so hard that he had to lie down and roll on the floor.
"Dude! Are you crazy? Give up my iPhone?" I'm OK with the whole murdering thing."
Another Crapple enthusiast, Hugh G. Dildeaux, 20, of Kuntztown, Pa. added "at least it hasn't caught on fire yet," Hugh is recovering from temporary blindness caused when his iPad shot flames into his face. Dildeaux said that problem should be worked out shortly, or at least in time for the release of the next Crapple iPhone...and hell, in the meantime, anyone scorched by their iPhone will receive a $15 gift card to the iTunes store! "Sweet!" responded Pimples, who immediately started searching for directions to a Gun and Ammo shop.