How Do You Celebrate Festival Of Sleep Day? (January 3rd)

January 3rd is Festival Of Sleep Day.

by National Buffoon
Somniloquent Reporter 
BARB BITUITTE

The Festival Of Sleep Day
is one of the most unanticipated
and unimportant holidays
in all of human inactivity.

Remember friends,
sleep allows human bodies to rest, heal, & develop.
Sleep aids in memory processing and preservation.
While the lack of sleep, or poor sleep;
can have multiple negative effects
                                                 on the inhuman body and mind.

First, find a comfortable place to snooze...

HOW TO CELEBRATE

STEP 1 -  Decide whether you want to sleep alone, with someone else, a pet or stuffed animal.
 cuddle with your pet while you take a nap; if the pet escapes, you can always punch them in the face. If you chose to sleep with someone else & they attempt to leave, sedate them (for sedative choices, consult an expert.)

STEP 2  - Determine how long you wish to "celebrate".
You may opt for a power nap because you have work to accomplish later, a cat nap for a few hours, or quality time with your pillow for the entire day. Don't tell yourself that you need to wake up and do something productive instead of sleeping. If you can't sleep, just stay in bed all day!

STEP 3 -Dress appropriately. Proper sleep wear is critical for comfortable snoozing.
Be sure to count each layer of blanket material as one layer in general.

Sprawl out on a bed, sofa, hammock, or any comfortable setting. This is a day to become one with the siesta, so however you position yourself is up to you. You can have your feet propped up on the sofa's arm rest instead of squishing yourself on the cushions, have a foot planted on the ground if you are in a hammock so you can rock back and forth while going to sleep, or drop your drawers and hang your butt out the window if it's temperate outside...if not just press your buttocks to the pane.

STEP 5 - After lazing about, ask yourself if you feel more refreshed than before sleeping.
Sleep is healthy and refreshes the body for the next day. Also, today is Fruitcake Toss day.
After napping be sure to hurl a fruitcake at the 1st person you see.

God Awful Gifts - Unbelievably Bad Tokens Of Seasonal Anti-Joy!

Yes, there is nothing quite like an awful gift. It's not really the gift itself you see. 

Nor is it the thought that matters. 

What matters is the look of bewildered disgust or horror on the recipient's face. 

This is what the season is really all about.

WTF? This is Stank! What rotten rat bastard would do such a thing?

This leads us to bad gift giving tip #1.

Be sure you give the gift of laughter anonymously. 

Unless you want to receive it in the form of a re-gift, or enjoy a bloody nose.

Don't give this one to anyone you know who is conjoined....they might actually be able to use it which would take all the fun out of "giving".

Yes, and who wouldn't want one of these? You know you want it. Yup. Especially funny when given to seniors who have difficulty walking anyway. Imagine the laughs! "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Ha ha .

The Japanese Snuggie

Snuggies are for people who find operating a blanket to be challenging.

 A Rock. Cheap and effective. Just be sure your out of the pitching range of the recipient when they open it.

 

Fruitcakes. Useless enough. But an inflatable fruitcake can be mailed in a standard envelope!

Ah. The military command post doll house! Always a favorite! So lifelike.

For someone who really blows...or is a snotty sort.

If they actually use it their nose will get sore too!

The bottle top Menorah, sure to de-"light" all.

The Pope Keychain...actually is a dicta-phone as well. You can record short notes to yourself.
Yes, leaders of major religions do belong dangling from your car keys.

Yes! Those annoying pets! Always wanting your attention or worse...your affection. Now you can just have this cheesy robot thing pet them. Even funnier if given to someone who has no pets! Double the WTF quotient!

Razor Blade Soap...Show them you really don't care!

You want this! Four!

Yeah...tidy whiteys too!

Make sure to wrap the thing really bad. This is important.

Down the hatch then!

Nothing like a wreath with a cheap cardboard cutout of Perry Como's head stuck to it with duct tape.
The only thing better is if his actual head is used.

Don't bother giving this to any tea party types...they may actually use them.

Now this is a universally offensive gift! Give it to one and all!

The ever unpopular Reindeer Orgy Holiday Sweater!

My personal favorite! The Officer Pike Occupy Bethlehem Sweater!

Yes this fake beard is far less conspicuous than a cup or something for drinking. A perennial stinker.

Remember, it's the thrill and happiness a gift brings to it's recipient that we are here to avoid!
Look at these two...look at the warmth and joy they exude! Ah Christmas, yes the best time of year for heartless pranks!

These are best given to someone who does not fish! But you know fisherman will not like them either.

How many times have you wanted to talk to someone using a walkie talkie in your coffee cup?
Problem solved!
Your welcome!

The best part of this is it might actually seem appealing and the recipient will burn their house to the ground if they oversleep!

The idea behind these is (besides looking like a jackass) sticking an IPod or other such device in there and watching a video....yeah, your family will love you for that. Ignore them....but Uncle Ferd there was ignoring the nature he'd traveled to experience...and was eaten by a grizzly bear while watching a you-tube gilligan's island clip.

Finally... the Jesus coat hanger.
Well if there's a Pope keychain, why not.
Have a wonderful holiday!
And give bad gifts!
It's so much fun...the gift that keeps giving.

Liberal War On Christmas...The Game!

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Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.