Friday, December 9, 2011

God Awful Gifts - Unbelievably Bad Tokens Of Seasonal Anti-Joy!

Yes, there is nothing quite like an awful gift. It's not really the gift itself you see. 
Nor is it the thought that matters. 
What matters is the look of bewildered disgust or horror on the recipient's face. 
This is what the season is really all about.
WTF? This is Stank! What rotten rat bastard would do such a thing?

This leads us to bad gift giving tip #1.
Be sure you give the gift of laughter anonymously. 
Unless you want to receive it in the form of a re-gift, or enjoy a bloody nose.

Don't give this one to anyone you know who is conjoined....they might actually be able to use it which would take all the fun out of "giving".

Yes, and who wouldn't want one of these? You know you want it. Yup. Especially funny when given to seniors who have difficulty walking anyway. Imagine the laughs! "I've fallen and I can't get up!" Ha ha .

The Japanese Snuggie

Snuggies are for people who find operating a blanket to be challenging.

 A Rock. Cheap and effective. Just be sure your out of the pitching range of the recipient when they open it.

Fruitcakes. Useless enough. But an inflatable fruitcake can be mailed in a standard envelope!

Ah. The military command post doll house! Always a favorite! So lifelike.

For someone who really blows...or is a snotty sort.
If they actually use it their nose will get sore too!

The bottle top Menorah, sure to de-"light" all.

The Pope Keychain...actually is a dicta-phone as well. You can record short notes to yourself.
Yes, leaders of major religions do belong dangling from your car keys.

Yes! Those annoying pets! Always wanting your attention or worse...your affection. Now you can just have this cheesy robot thing pet them. Even funnier if given to someone who has no pets! Double the WTF quotient!

Razor Blade Soap...Show them you really don't care!

You want this! Four!

Yeah...tidy whiteys too!
Make sure to wrap the thing really bad. This is important.

Down the hatch then!

Nothing like a wreath with a cheap cardboard cutout of Perry Como's head stuck to it with duct tape.
The only thing better is if his actual head is used.

Don't bother giving this to any tea party types...they may actually use them.

Now this is a universally offensive gift! Give it to one and all!

The ever unpopular Reindeer Orgy Holiday Sweater!

My personal favorite! The Officer Pike Occupy Bethlehem Sweater!

Yes this fake beard is far less conspicuous than a cup or something for drinking. A perennial stinker.

Remember, it's the thrill and happiness a gift brings to it's recipient that we are here to avoid!
Look at these two...look at the warmth and joy they exude! Ah Christmas, yes the best time of year for heartless pranks!

These are best given to someone who does not fish! But you know fisherman will not like them either.

How many times have you wanted to talk to someone using a walkie talkie in your coffee cup?
Problem solved!
Your welcome!
The best part of this is it might actually seem appealing and the recipient will burn their house to the ground if they oversleep!

The idea behind these is (besides looking like a jackass) sticking an IPod or other such device in there and watching a video....yeah, your family will love you for that. Ignore them....but Uncle Ferd there was ignoring the nature he'd traveled to experience...and was eaten by a grizzly bear while watching a you-tube gilligan's island clip.

Finally... the Jesus coat hanger.
Well if there's a Pope keychain, why not.
Have a wonderful holiday!
And give bad gifts!
It's so much fun...the gift that keeps giving.

No comments: