Worst Holiday Song And Video

This may be the worst Holiday music and video ever produced, it is a cover of a Neil Diamond song (allegedly). Have a death metal holiday! And don't forget to vomit in someone's stocking!




When you think of Christmas, you think of Exhumed. I wish they would have grinded out a whole Christmas album before they broke up. As far as I know it's the only death metal Christmas song. If I were making an awesome death metal compilation cd it would have Impaled singing Silent Night and Brujeria singing Feliz Navid...
This is from the Exhumed album entitled "Platters Of Splatter".

Major Mystical Merger - Methodists Merry, Muslims Miffed

By National Buffoon Religion Editor Father Elijah Fields

Two of the big three religions from the 'ol futile crescent vicinity have decided to merge holidays. Yes that's right, taking a cue from the world of finance with all it's mergers and aquisitions, a religion industry insider source has revealed there is proposal that is very likely to be announced shortly through official channels that Chanukah & Christmas will be merged into a single holiday. An unidentified source announced at a press conference moments ago that this deal has been in the works for about 1300 years.

"Oy To The World"

While details were not available at press time, it is believed that the overhead cost of having twelve days of Christmas and eight days of Chanukah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of "HOLIDAY", as the new holiday is being called.

Massive layoffs are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being amongst the hardest hit. As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the dreydl, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus becoming unintelligible to a wider audience.

Also, instead of translating to "A great miracle happened there", the message on the dreydl will now be the more generic "Miraculous shit happens". In exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up the agreement for at least three hundred years was the question of whether Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa, even after having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when Oreos were declared kosher. All sides appeared happy about this development except for Muslims who feel the merger leaves Ramadan vulnerable to a hostile takeover.

The press conference ended with a rousing rendition of Oy, Come all Ye Faithful.

White House, Black Friday

U.S.President Barack Obama and the first family will celebrate the Black Friday holiday today in The White House watching movies with the Wayans Brothers in them and having a quiet dinner. "You know folks, you don't have to be black to enjoy Black Friday," the President said. "Much like one doesn't have to be white to enjoy a white Christmas."
Republicans immediately denounced the Holiday and will hold witch hunts, er uh...investigations looking into the possibility that the president may be a werewolf. "That's right" said leading idiot Rand Paul, "He's some kinda' secret werewolf we believe, as he has never appeared in public with wolf-bane dangling around his neck or in the company of Lon Chaney who I think was vice president once.

Republican artist depiction of Barrack Obama

Rand then stripped and piled his clothes by the roadside...He peed in a circle round his clothes and then, just like that, he started howling and then ran off into the woods.

Rand Paul

Many black activists however claim that the holiday is an insult to black Americans as it is marked not by any sort of traditional celebration or activity, but rather by discounts and sales at stores. Rev. Al Sharpton is asking everyone to boycott Black Friday and " Sleep in instead of stampeding at Walmart to get flammable pajamas at half price".

Annual Walmart Rube Stampede

"Does the white man think that the black man cannot afford regular prices?" opined Jesse Jackson at a recent rally outside an Atlanta Walmart. "Have you seen what people are willing to pay for a pair of sneakers? We can afford your regular prices!" He told National Buffoon on his way to Best Buy.

However, critics point to the yearly ritual of marking Presidents' Day with automobile sales as proof that whites don't discriminate when it comes to turning holidays into giant displays of gross commercialism.

Obama is not the first Black Friday celebrating President however as "Dubya" Bush ditched his favorite red crayon and instead drew pictures with a black crayon during his term - two of these crayon drawings still hang on the refrigerator in the White House kitchen.

One of Bush's coveted renderings from his "blue" pretzel period.

And Abe Lincoln of course sold his famous "Lincoln Logs" at a discount on the date.

The First Thanksgiving

Yes the war on Thanksgiving has begun just a bit earlier this year. Of course the plan is to simply combine Halloween, Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, and Christmas into one conspicious consumption secular human frenzy that begins the second week of September and lasts until February (or Thanksmasdayoween for short). By combining the current ways of celebrating the three holidays into one we save time and money. Just think of it as Halloween getting a little jollier, and Christmas spookier, and everyone saying thank you for both. Of course if you want to be traditional, do what was done at the first thanksgiving (well it wasn't the first...not even in the New World but who really cares?) Wear some big buckles, don't bathe for months, fire off some muskets, eat some gourds, berries, stew some opossum, and watch football. However, the advantages of the combination holiday are obvious. "Librul" attitudes of entitlement are a big problem in America, and we believe it starts in childhood. One of the side benefits of Thankmasdayoween would be toughening children up a bit by scaring them a little before they receive their presents. Since the economy sucks, don't actually buy presents; but wrap some items already in the house such as a roll of toilet paper up in some old newspapers using stuff you find in the trash for a bow.

Here's all you need to know to participate. If your invited to a Thanksmasdayoween dinner anywhere be sure to ask for something other than Turkey, be creative! Some Tofu shaped like a drumstick will surely put a frown on everyone's face and that's after all what holidays are about.

This is the baby NFL's birthday too so don't forget to sing happy birthday! It's considered good form to switch the channel to some lame ass parade whenever something is going on in whatever game is being watched...turn back in time for commercials.

The proper attire for dinner is always a thong, preferably this one.

Some new traditions we reccomend include making a gingerbread house with pilgrims trick-or treating at the door while Geronimo gives them treats. It adds a certain exciting element of danger if naughty children are dragged inside to be cooked with the turkey by some old school Halloween stereoptype witch. After dinner the whole family should go out caroling and vandalize the neighbors houses if they don't give you candy. What sort of carols, you ask? Standard Christmas carols can be reworded fairly easily. We're working on "Hark the Herald Hobgoblins Sing!' and O Little Rock of Plymouth.' Bloody Old St. Nick is a favorite, as well as We 3 Stooges.
Don't forget to float fake eyeballs in your eggnog, and put skulls in your kid's dirty socks when they hang them on the mantle.Erect an outdoor nativity and stick some action figures in it.

You should try to start some lame discussion about what your thankful for and make it really longwinded including every damned cliche you can think of...(the birdies that sing, the Gibb brothers who don't, the guy who was first to drink cow's milk, etc.)

No one cares that the pilgrims actually ate venison, because they also wore ridiculous looking hats, and you don’t see us doing that, do you?

You can't win the War on Christmas if you don't win the Battle of Thanksgiving.

The holiday wars are in full swing friends. I was simply going about my day to day activities until I saw (thankfully) this bit of wingnut scribbles over on the site for unhinged mental defectives known as "newsbusters"... it's penned by one of the site's leading imbeciles, and clearly demonstrates the extent to which some drool eschewing lunatics will go to "expose" the secular human's war on Supply Side Jesus and his sacred holidays. (Here's a link to the article.)
Newsbusters' Carolyn Plocher is very upset that network morning shows have offered tips on how to avoid excessive Thanksgiving calorie consumption! This is obviously a communist/atheist/"librul" plot to undermine the baby Jesus, America, and decency in general.
In the past week, from Nov. 18-24, five network stories have bashed traditional Thanksgiving food because it's not "healthy." With the nation in a recession and the unemployment rate soaring, the "librul" media want Americans to worry about their health too. Each of the networks offered tips on how to avoid the "most gut-busting holiday of the year," as Harry Smith of CBS's "Early Show" put it. SCANDALOUS!

After looking at the videos of the various town halls, tea bagger and Fox Noose sponsored hate events, I'd say whatever efforts the media are making to keep folks from eating too much aren't picking up much traction. After all girth is next to godliness.

The War On Thanksgiving

By National Buffoon Seafood Correspondent Popeye Sailor.



It's that time of year again folks, the ghouls and goblins have knocked at your door and you gave them treats.

The trick is they will return on Thanksgiving to laze about your house watching football, get hammered, and consume copious quantities of foodstuffs in a cornucopia of consumption unequalled anywhere in the time space continuum. Yet this is my favorite holiday by far. I was surprised to read in some rightwing blogs that liberals were conducting a war on Thanksgiving.
This seemed at odds with reality. Of course it did get me thinking a bit about the experience. Enough to chronicle the event.
Tradition
Tradition is the centerpiece of the holiday is it not? Of course we all want the exact same recipes and schedules that we knew as children. But it goes deeper. We want somber puritans to browbeat us with their bible belts and whatnot. Maybe some scarlet letter action, or an old fashioned witch burning as well. There of course must also be a political angle. (Natives might have had better immigration policies, Pilgrims were Republicans, Turkeys are religious symbols, etc.)

The war began when Uncle Ferd insisted the proper term was dressing while Aunt Percy demanded it was stuffing. It came down to fisticuffs and the whole family began taking sides.
Turnips, once considered traditional fare, were relegated to optional side dish.
And who puts nuts in the dressing or stuffing or whatever the hell it is? Nuts go in a dish. Stuffing is bread cubes, celery, and butter, maybe sausage or Chile Peppers if you want to get ethnic, but nuts? It's sacrilege. And everyone knows that, except your mother-in-law, who is the kind of person who serves mashed potatoes and potatoes Au gratin as side dishes, but since she doesn't even put Jack Daniel's in the sweet potatoes like any normal person, why even get into it? But before any festivities can begin some cousin will be asked what they are thankful for and they will use every available cliche up angering everyone else who will now appear to be assholes when their turn comes... but the whole thing ends mercifully when the homeless guy you invited in says he'll be thankful when the damned thing is over and cousin Jen says the rolls smell like stinky sneakers. Dad of course is thankful for something in some other room and feels a need to thank it personally.

Making a salad, on Thanksgiving is a mortal sin and anyone who does it is attacking the religious symbol of the Holiday which is the headless turkey who gave his life so that Sarah Palin could use him in the background of some pointless unintelligible ghastly interview. Now if your relatives makes a salad, obviously they have vacated their senses and must be restrained with bungee cords in the basement before anyone in the house inadvertently consumes a healthful green on the country's most hallowed day of gluttony. Homeland Security will be waterboarding anyone caught eating greens of any kind not cooked in some type of fat and cream. Later, when Uncle Gomer has finished his half dozen whiskey sours and is staring at his plate with an expression of outright dread, it will become clear that the creamed pearl onions are a communist plot, because evidently wild wolves raised him...wolves in the Soviet Union where, apparently, party doctrine demanded these obscene subterranean items be served and also dictated that Thanksgiving include corn, in canned niblet form. Niblets, for heaven's sake. So now your mother has to waste time explaining to Uncle Gomer they don't even have creamed onions in VLADIVOSTOK, THOSE POOR BASTARDS"!

Of course by now some relative who began slamming Bloody Marys at ten in the morning says "not everyone does things the way we do, remember? You know, like those heathens who eat at one in the afternoon instead of at four-thirty, so as not to miss any of the football?" And your mother announces that Thanksgiving is not about football, it is about giving thanks for not living in Russia and eating nibletted corn, and furthermore, she is certainly not going to get up at four in the goddamn morning to put the goddamn bird in the goddamn oven just so everyone can shovel food into their mouths in a big goddamn hurry and rush off to watch TV, but by now they already have.

After arguing about which pie is the proper one for true Thanksgiving we all realize that togetherness, family, and flying electric knives, vegetables and baked goods deflected off of old people's heads is the real deal...the grand purpose of the tradition; and when you and that someone you love curl up in front of the fireplace for a post-turkey nap, the difference between stuffing and dressing or whatever the hell doesn't matter all that much and neither do these stupid claims that there is a war on any holidays. Americans like holidays, and if anything wish there were more. Hey, pass the creamed onions there comrades.
Of course no Thanksgiving is complete without William S. Burroughs ...

Musical Definitions

Musical Definitions:

string quartet: a good violinist, a bad violinist, an ex-violinist, and someone who hates violinists, all getting together to complain about composers

detaché: an indication that the trombones are to play with their slides removed.

glissando: a technique adopted by string players for difficult runs.

subito piano: indicates an opportunity for some obscure orchestra player to become a soloist.

risoluto: indicates to orchestras that they are to stubbornly maintain the correct tempo no matter what the clueless conductor tries to do.

senza sordino: a term used to remind the player that he forgot to put his mute on a few measures back.

preparatory beat: a thorough thrashing of the singer before they enter.

crescendo: a reminder to the performer that he has been playing too loudly.

conductor: a former musician who can't play well that was given a stick to wave around for amusement instead.

clef: something to jump from before the viola solo.

transposition: the act of moving the relative pitch of a piece of music that is too low for the basses to a point where it is too high for the sopranos.

vibrato: a technique used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong pitch.

half step: the pace used by a cellist when carrying hi instrument.

coloratura soprano: a singer who has great trouble finding the proper note, but who has a wild time hunting for it.

chromatic scale: an instrument for weighing that indicates half-pounds.

bar line: a gathering of people, usually among which may be found many musicians .

ad libitum: a premiere.

beat: what musicians do to each other with their instruments. The down beat is performed on top of the head, while the up beat is struck under the chin.

cadence: when everybody hopes you're going to stop, but you don't.

diatonic: low-calorie Schweppes.

lamentoso: with handkerchiefs.

virtuoso: a musician with very high morals. (I know one)

music: a complex organization of sounds that is set down by the composer, incorrectly interpreted by the conductor, whom musicians pay no attention to, the result of which, is ignored by an audience.

oboe: an ill wind that nobody blows good.

tenor: two hours before a nooner.

diminished fifth: a bottle of Jack Daniels after it was discovered by musicians.

perfect fifth: a full bottle of Jack Daniels.

ritard: refers to a former Alaskan 1/2 term governor.

relative major: an uncle in the Marine Corps.

relative minor: a girlfriend.

big band: when the bar pays enough to bring two banjo players.

pianissimo: "refill this beer bottle".

repeat: what you do until they just expel you.

treble: women ain't nothin' but.

bass: things you run around in softball.

portamento: a foreign country.

arpeggio: "Ain't he that storybook kid with the big nose that grows?"

tempo: a used car musicians arrive in.

A 440: the highway that runs around Nashville.

transpositions: noun- male musicians who wear dresses.
verb- An advanced recorder technique where you change from alto to soprano fingering in the middle of a piece.

cut time: parole.

order of sharps: what an idiot orders at the bar.

passing tone: frequently heard near the baked beans at barbecues.

middle C: a crappy fruit drink .

perfect pitch: the smooth coating on a freshly paved road.

tuba: a compound word: "Hey, fetch me another tuba KY Jelly!"

cadenza: that ugly thing your wife always vacuums dog hair off of when company comes.
or The heroine in Monteverdi's opera Frottola.

whole note: what's due after failing to pay the mortgage for a year.

clef: what the orchestra hopes the conductor drives off of.

bass clef: where the conductor lands.

altos: not to be confused with "Tom's toes," "Bubba's toes" or "Dori-toes".

minor third: your approximate age and grade at the completion of formal schooling.

melodic minor: Loretta Lynn's singing dad.

12-tone scale: the thing the State Police weigh your tractor trailer truck with.

quarter tone: what most standard pickups can haul.

sonata: what comes out of your nose if you have a cold or hay fever.

clarinet: used as kindling to burn bassoons.

cello: the proper way to answer the phone.

bassoon: what you hope to catch and when.

french horn: my wife says I smell like a cheap one when I come in at 4 a.m.

cymbal: main character in The Lion King.

bossa nova: the car your foreman drives.

time signature: what you need from your boss if you forget to clock in.

first inversion: grandpa's battle group at Normandy.

staccato: how you did all the ceilings in your mobile home.

major scale: what you say after chasing wild game up a mountain: "Damn! That was a major scale!"

aeolian mode: how you like cherry pie.

Bach chorale: the place behind the barn where horses are kept.

plague: a collective noun, as in "a plague of clarinetists."

audition: the act of putting oneself under extreme duress to satisfy the sadistic intentions of someone who has already made up his mind.

accidentals: wrong notes.

augmented fifth: a 36-ounce bottle.

broken consort: when someone in the ensemble has to leave to go to the bathroom.

cantus firmus: the part you get when you can play only four notes.

chansons de geste: porno songs.

clausula: Mrs. Santa Claus.

crotchet: like knitting, but faster.

ducita: a lot of mallards.

embouchure: the way you look when you've been playing the Krummhorn.

estampie: what they put on letters in Quebec.

garglefinklein: a tiny recorder played by neums.

hocket: the thing that fits into a crochet to produce a racket.


interval: how long it takes to find the right note. There are three kinds:
Major interval: a long time.
Minor interval: a few bars.
Inverted interval: when you go back to the bar and drink until you fall upside down.

intonation: singing through one's nose. Considered highly desirable in the Middle Ages.

isorhythmic motet: when half of the ensemble got a different edition from the other half.
(common for discount broadway play scores.)

minnesinger: a boy soprano.


musica ficta: when you lose your place and bluff until you find it again.

neums: renaissance midgets.

neumatic melishma: a bronchial disorder caused by hockets.

ordo: the hero in Tolkien's Lord of the Rings.

rota: an early Italian method of teaching music without score or parts.

trotto: an early Italian form of Montezuma's Revenge.

lauda: the difference between shawms and krummhorns.

sancta: Clausula's husband.

di lasso: popular with Italian cowboys.

quaver: beginning viol class.

rackett: capped reeds class

ritornello: a Verdi opera.

sine proprietate: cussing in church.

supertonic: Schweppes.

trope: a malevolent neum.

tutti: a lot of sackbuts.


stops: something Bach didn't have on his organ.

agnus dei: a famous female church composer.

metronome: a city-dwelling dwarf.

allegro: leg fertilizer
.

recitative: a disease that Monteverdi had.

transsectional: an alto who moves to the soprano section.

25 Local Tea Party Affiliates Die In Fire

(Dallas, TX - October 1st ,2010)…There is troubling news out of Texas today, a small fire escalated into a fiery grave for 26 members of a local teabag party affiliate. The unfortunate incident is being described as a tremendous setback for the grassroots movement whose candidates are funded by the Billionaire Koch Brothers and their attempts to "Take Our Country Back" to a fantasy world that exists solely in the minds of miserable middle aged conservatives, and "Father Knows Best" cast members.

Early reports indicate that the casualties could have been entirely avoided had any of the "Teabaggers" simply complied with the firefighters requests to vacate a building that was being rapidly engulfed in flames. Instead they insisted that the socialist Obama Nanny government had no authority and they refused to vacate the burning premises.

"I risked my life running into that building and they called me a socialist pinko and told me to go to hell"


Radio host Rush Limbaugh, known for his moderate political views and proclivity to prescription drugs, spoke to the lowest I.Q. percentile of America, I mean his listeners, earlier today:

"Americans, with a heavy heart, we feel the pain of a national tragedy, a feeling that has been absent in our great country since the Democrats flew planes into the World Trade Center... we mourn the loss of our fellow Americans, may they rest in peace; but any logical mind can see that the real atrocity we have witnessed today is the waste of your tax dollars."
"Open your eyes! Obama's nanny state wants you to rely on the government to save your life in the case of an emergency. Today we need to stand together, as patriotic American patriots, to symbolize our unity against these agents of Government terror. Do you really want your hard earned money paying the salaries of people who will save your life?

Rush Limbaugh

Robert Fripp, who witnessed the catastrophe firsthand, described the tragedy in detail "I've never seen anything like it. I mean, I've seen fires before, this is Texas, who loves burning shit with reckless abandonment more then us? Well, maybe Georgia, but this was unlike anything I've ever seen before. These people were so dedicated to their cause that they willingly allowed themselves to be burned alive before accepting help from 'Obama's Socialist Henchmen.'"

Robert continued, painting a picture of tremendous stupidity and unparalleled ignorance. "The firefighters were trying to help, but everyone kept struggling and yelling about 'cap and trade' and the 'liberal media.' I feel remorse for the victims and their families, but in retrospect, it was pretty fucking retarded."

Inspiring Quotes

No doubt, reading these may be hazardous to mental health, but this collection of quotes from America's 'misunderestimated' anti-intellectual leadership is cause for laughter as well as tears and pain. Have a look!

1. "When the President does it, that means that it's not illegal." ~ Richard M. Nixon Yes you were!

2. "We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease." ~ President George W. Bush

Dolt

3. "The only way to reduce the number of nuclear weapons is to use them." ~ Rush Limbaugh Dope

4.''My grandmother was not a highly educated woman, but she told me as a small child to quit feeding stray animals. You know why? Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a person ample food supply. They will reproduce, especially ones that don't think too much further than that. And so what you've got to do is you've got to curtail that type of behavior. They don't know any better.'' ~ South Carolina Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, arguing against government food assistance for poor residents.

Eugenics? What a buffoon!


5."The ACLU is to Christians what the American Nazi party is to Jews." ~ Jerry Falwell

Moron


6. ''Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on you.'' ~ Rep. Virginia Foxx (R-North Carolina)

Fool

7.''We need to uptick our image with everyone, including one-armed midgets." ~ Republican National Committee Chairman Michael Steele.

Mr. Potatohead


8."You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test." ~ George W. Bush
9.''Feminism was established so as to allow unattractive women easier access to the mainstream of society.'' ~ Rush Limbaugh

10."I couldn't imagine somebody like Osama bin Laden understanding the joy of Hanukkah." ~ President George W. Bush

11."Carbon dioxide is portrayed as harmful. But there isn't even one study that can be produced that shows that carbon dioxide is a harmful gas.'' ~ Rep. Michelle Bachmann

Batshit crazy

12.''The greatest threat to America is not necessarily a recession or even another terrorist attack. The greatest threat to America is a liberal media bias.'' ~ Rep. Lamar Smith (R-TX)

13."He is purple - the gay-pride color, and his antenna is shaped like a triangle - the gay pride symbol." ~ Jerry Falwell's warning to parents that "Tinky Winky," a character on Teletubbies, may be gay...

14."Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ~ Dan Quayle

15.''The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.'' ~ Pat Robertson

Mentally Ill

16."Ground Zero Mosque supporters: doesn't it stab you in the heart, as it does ours throughout the heartland? Peaceful Muslims, pls refudiate." ~ Sarah Palin
17."'Refudiate,' 'misunderestimate,' 'wee-wee'd up.' English is a living language. Shakespeare liked to coin new words too. Got to celebrate it!'" ~ Sarah Palin
18."Go back to what our founders and our founding documents meant -- they're quite clear -- that we would create law based on the God of the bible and the Ten Commandments." ~ Sarah Palin

Sphincter

19."What I don't know is what the unexpected might be." ~ John McCain
Doddering Old Fart

20."We have a lot of work to do. It's a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border." ~ John McCain (the countries share no common border)

21."I love California; I practically grew up in Phoenix." ~ Dan Quayle

22."If we took away women's right to vote, we'd never have to worry about another Democrat president.'' ~ Ann Coulter

P.O.S.

23.''I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I'm not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it's an interesting coincidence.'' ~ Rep. Michele Bachmann

24."We just want Jews to be perfected, as they say." ~ Ann Coulter

P.O.S.

25."I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." ~ George W. Bush

26."Do you have blacks, too?" ~ George W. Bush

27.''We need to execute people like (John Walker Lindh) in order to physically intimidate liberals.'' ~ Ann Coulter

28."When I see a 9/11 victim family on television, or whatever, I'm just like, 'Oh shut up' I'm so sick of them because they're always complaining." ~ Glenn Beck

29."I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened inside this Oval Office." ~ George W. Bush

30. "Well, I learned a lot....I went down to (Latin America) to find out from them and (learn) their views. You'd be surprised. They're all individual countries" ~ Ronald Reagan

31.''I even accept for the sake of argument that sexual orgies eliminate social tensions and ought to be encouraged.'' ~ Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia

32."Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" ~ George W. Bush

33."Exercise freaks ... are the ones putting stress on the health care system." ~ Rush Limbaugh

34."As yesterday's positive report card shows, childrens do learn when standards are high and results are measured." ~ George W. Bush

35."Good Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." ~ Jerry Falwell

36."If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." ~ George W. Bush

37."I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself." ~ Ronald Reagan

38."Grown men should not be having sex with prostitutes unless they are married to them." ~ Jerry Falwell

39.''It may be a blessing in disguise. ... Something happened a long time ago in Haiti, and people might not want to talk about it. Haitians were originally under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon the third, or whatever. And they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, we will serve you if you will get us free from the French. True story. And so, the devil said, okay it's a deal. Ever since they have been cursed by one thing after the other.'' ~ Pat Robertson

40."AIDS is not just God's punishment for homosexuals; it is God's punishment for the society that tolerates homosexuals." ~Jerry Falwell

41."Facts are stupid things." ~ Ronald Reagan

42."Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ~ George W. Bush

43."There's an old saying in Tennessee -- I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee -- that says, fool me once, shame on --shame on you. Fool me -- you can't get fooled again." ~ George W. Bush

44."Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." ~ George W. Bush

45."Trees cause more pollution than automobiles." ~ Ronald Reagan

46."This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating." ~ George W. Bush



47."I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started." ~ Donald Rumsfeld

48."She wears little eye-patch underwear. So, the other day she came here with her underwear, Thursday. And so, we had made love Wednesday--a lot! And so she'll, she's all, 'I am going up and down the stairs, and you're dripping out of me!' So messy! I am getting into spanking her… Yeah, I like it… I like spanking her. She goes, I know you like spanking me, I said yeah." ~ State Rep. Mike Duvall (R-Calif.) on a live mic referring to a lobbyist.

49."I am here to make an announcement that this Thursday, ticket counters and airplanes will fly out of Ronald Reagan Airport." ~ George W. Bush

50."I think I was unprepared for war." ~ George W. Bush

51. "If evolution is real, why can’t we go to the zoo and see monkeys evolving into human beings?" ~ Christine O'Donnell (unhinged teabag candidate for Delaware Senator).

52."American scientific companies are crossbreeding humans and animals and coming up with mice with fully functioning human brains". ~ Christine O'Donnell (anti-masturbating/witchcraft/evolution-is-a-myth teabag candidate for Delaware's Senate seat).

Douchebag

Vatican Rescinds `Blessed` Status of World`s Meek

By National Buffoon Vatican Correspondent Father O'Blivion

VATICAN CITY--In a historic reversal of its nearly
2,000-year-old pro-meek stance, the Catholic Church announced
Tuesday that it is permanently rescinding the traditional
"blessed" status of the world`s meek.
"Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ once said, `Blessed are
the meek,`" said The Pope in a papal bull read
before the College of Cardinals. "However, there has always
been a tacit understanding between the Church and the meek
that this `blessed` status was conditional upon their
inheritance of the Earth, an event which is unlikely to
happen anytime in the foreseeable future. Our relationship,
therefore, must be terminated."
"Screw the meek," the pope added.

"Screw the Meek" says Pope

Citing "two millennia of inaction and non-achievement" by
the world`s downtrodden, the pope contended
that the meek`s historic inability to improve their worldly
status constituted "bad faith" on their part.
"Twenty centuries should have been more than enough time for
them to inherit the earth," the Supreme Pontiff said. "For
years, they have whined and moaned and the Catholic Church has made every effort to console them, and what have we got from them in return? Enough is enough. We are patient,but we are not saints."

In an effort to attract better clientele German Beer and Hot Pretzels will replace wine and wafers.

Church Leaders Agree

Catholic leaders around the world were vocal in their support of the pope.
"The meek have abused their blessed status for far too long
now," said Bernard Law, Archbishop of Boston as he pinned an alter boy in a half-nelson. "From the Renaissance to the Industrial Revolution to the current
Global Information Age, the meek have always somehow managed
to sit back and do nothing while others worked hard to make
advances and improve their lives. They have collected the
Catholic Church`s spiritual welfare checks for long enough."
"Everything about the meek, from their simple garments to
their quiet demeanor to their utter lack of can-do spirit,
goes against Church philosophy," Cardinal Jean-Claude
Turcotte of Montreal said. "Sitting back and expecting the
Lord to provide is not the type of behavior for which the
Church should be rewarding its followers."
The change in policy toward the meek is also rooted in
financial considerations: According to Vatican statistics,
though more than 80 percent of the world`s Catholics live
below the poverty line, the Catholic Church receives less
than 2 percent of its annual earnings of $395 billion from
such people.
"The meek`s blessed status was originally bestowed upon them
by Jesus Christ Himself, but there is enough latitude in His
gospels and teachings to allow us discretion in this manner,"
the Pope said, "especially in light of the financial goals of
the Church as it enters the 21st century. From this day
forward, the Church position shall be, `Blessed are the
affluent, for they have inherited the Earth.`"
In an effort to move away from its traditional meek core
demographic and attract more upscale worshipers, Vatican
officials announced a number of changes for the Gospels.
Among them: Christ shall be said to have been born in a
rustic-but-spacious suite and not a manger, with the
amount of gold and frankincense bestowed upon Him by the wise
men quadrupled and the amount of myrrh halved; it shall
henceforth be as easy for a rich man to enter Heaven as it is
for a camel to pass through a heated three-car garage; and in that
episode between Christ and those moneychangers in the temple...
the moneychangers kicked his ass and he admitted he was wrong.
From now on appropriately aggressive fundraising tactics
will be demanded by the church.

Nuns wielding rifles will be keeping the riff raff away from church properties.

"The religious community is a gated community" said Sister Sledge of St. Alphonso's Parrish.

According to Holy See spokesperson Salvatore Vittorio, a new
Catholic Church payment plan has been established, with
blessedness and God`s everlasting love free of charge once a
nominal baptism/membership fee has been paid. For an
additional fee, Catholics can become "Gold Circle" members of
the Church, entitling them to such perks as forgiveness,
sainthood and special priority seating at the right hand of
the Father upon death.
"We do not wish the Church to become completely
exclusionary,` Vittorio said. "If any of the former meek wish
to change their ways, they may certainly do so. But it won`t
be a damned free ride, I can promise you that."

Improve Your Writing Skills

By National Buffoon Corespondent Rosetta Stone

Tips to improve your writing

1. Avoid alliteration. Always.

2. Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.

3. Employ the vernacular.

4. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

5. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are unnecessary.

6. Remember to never split an infinitive.

7. Contractions aren't necessary.

8. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

9. One should never generalize.

10. Eliminate quotations. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

11. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

12. Don't be redundant; don't use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

13. Be more or less specific.

14. Understatement is always best.

15. One-word sentences? Eliminate.

16. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

17. The passive voice is to be avoided.

18. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

19. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

20. Who needs rhetorical questions?

21. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.

22. Don't never use a double negation.

23. capitalize every sentence and remember always end it with point

24. Do not put statements in the negative form.

25. Verbs have to agree with their subjects.

26. Proofread carefully to see if you words out.

27. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.

28. A writer must not shift your point of view.

29. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)

30. Don't overuse exclamation marks!!

31. Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to the irantecedents.

32. Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.

33. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.

34. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.

35. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.

36. Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.

37. Always pick on the correct idiom.

38. The adverb always follows the verb.

39. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; They're old hat!

NEWS- The Committee for the Reduction of Redundancy and the Antiproliferation of Repetition has decided not to meet until they have their first meeting and thus will not be meeting until the first time.

Their Pre-meeting Statement wanted to make this clear before they had their first meeting, so that it would not be confusing.

So their first meeting will actually be their first meeting and they will not have a meeting before the first meeting.

This should avoid having people show up for their first meeting before it is held, since to do so would be confusing to those who did so and this is what they want to avoid by reducing the confusion and lessening the repetition.

Amazing Strange Similarities Between Lincoln And Santa Claus

Strange But True Eerie Similarities Exist!

Lincoln had Marfan's and Santa Claus has Marzipan.

Lincoln and Santa both have towns named for them.
(Lincoln Nebraska, and Santa Fe N.M.)

Neither man has 8 letters in his name.

Lincoln Freed Slaves, Santa has Slaves. (Elves)

They both have beards!

They both suffered from eating disorders.

Lincoln sent Sherman to Georgia, Santa sent George a shirt.

Lincoln was shot in the head, Santa Claus drinks shots and uses the head.

As a Lawyer, Lincoln was familiar with legal clauses,
and as a lecher, Santa wants to show you his Lincoln log.

Lincoln split rails. Santa splits his pants.

Lincoln had a stovepipe hat. Santa comes down stovepipes.

Lincoln was known for his Gettysburg Address.
Santa was known for his North Pole address.

Lincoln was slain, Santa was sleighin'.

Lincoln's wife was named "Mary", Santa often says "Mary Xmas"

Both men have been spotted on the moon with Elvis by the National Enquirer

Santa‘s loyal helper is Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer.
Lincoln‘s loyal helper was Ulysses S. Grant, a red-nosed alcoholic.

Santa’s wife bakes cookies. Lincoln‘s wife was baked most of the time.

Lincoln lived in the White House. Santa‘s house is also white, because it’s covered in snow.

Lincoln suspended habeas corpus. Santa often wears suspenders.

Lincoln said "four score and seven years", while Santa "scores" with seven year olds.

Lincoln thought Washington was the seat of power, Santa wants you to sit on his lap.

Lincoln read Plato's Dialogues, Santa wears red.

As a young storekeeper in New Salem, Illinois, Lincoln walked a mile on foot to return a customer's change. Santa leaves presents that you have to drive to the mall to exchange.

Santa brings toys to children, Lincoln lost two children.

Lincoln debated Steven Douglas, Santa masturbates in Payless shoe stores.

Lincoln saved the Union, Santa shaved his bunion.

Lincoln lived in a log cabin, Santa leaves a yule log on your floor.

Neither of them have middle names, drove Buicks, or wear sandals.

Lincoln ran for president, Santa Claus has runners on his sleigh.

Lincoln was assassinated, Santa has a fat ass.