WASHINGTON, DC — The White House today unveiled a new plan designed to cut rising Medicare and Social Security costs by shooting the elderly dead in their tracks.
“We’re very enthusiastic about this one,” said spokesman Tony Snowjob. “Obviously, it’s modeled on recent events. Our plan differs slightly from Dick Cheney’s inspired shooting of his hunting buddy, Harry Whittington, though. Mr. Whittington is a rich Republican attorney.
We’ll be targeting the old, poor, and infirm Democrats.”
Senate Democrats expressed concern about the plan. “It does seem a bit extreme,” said Harry Reid, “particularly to a man my age. But we will certainly avoid any direct confrontation with our friends from across the aisle. Rather, we plan to cave in after putting on a brief, disorganized show of opposition. We’ve found that works best .”
The plan, which would involve distribution of free ammunition and beer to hunters throughout the nation, could be up and running within a year.
Vice President Cheney praised the new approach during a speech to the American Enterprise Institute. “I think it’s a good solution all the way around. Medicare and Social Security expenses are rising through the roof. At the same time, many hunters are running out of game because of rampant logging and over-development. I know, because I was behind opening public lands to such development. The truth is that many folks lack the opportunity that I did to bravely hunt down dangerous quail from a car. This plan will support the patriotic urge to kill while also helping the nation save money.”
The American Medical Association expressed reservations about the plan. “We admit that treating senior citizens can be complex,” said an AMA spokesman. “The real challenge lies in diagnosing, curing, and getting them out the office door in the ten minutes allowed by HMOs. Have you ever seen how slowly some of these people move? But we do find the Medicare plan somewhat disturbing. Why, it’s almost as if this administration places no value on human life.”
Countered RNC Chairman, Ken Mehlman, “We have a culture of life, especially wealthy life. Is there any other kind worth living? These elderly folks squeaking by on Social Security and Medicare are suffering because they lack that wealth. What we’re talking about here is the quality of life. Certainly we care about the elderly. That’s why our compassionate conservative goal is to put them out of their lingering misery. Plus, they’ll be contributing to the health of our economy, which is a noble goal at any age.”
AARP President, Marie Smith, was disturbed by the plan. “After all, we’re an association of retired people. Our mandate is to make a fortune supposedly representing older folks. Opening fire on those very same folks could significantly cut down on our membership dues. We believe that it’s better to kill seniors slowly by making sure their prescription drugs are too expensive to buy. We worked closely together with both the administration and pharmaceutical companies on this approach. It’s just a shame to see all that self-serving effort go to waste.”
Patriotic hunters preparing to take on elderly issue
Smith Wesson of the Weekend Warriors, a Virginia-based hunting association, was upbeat. “Many of us are quite pleased with this new approach. It’s certainly a lot more fun and challenging to hunt old folks than quail, with all due respect to the Vice President. I mean, realistically, some of these old dudes are pretty spry. Plus, the alert ones can be pretty sharp about evasive action and hiding. "We expect some challenging hunts. It’ll have all the excitement of a tour in Iraq -- a war that I strongly support, by the way, though I have no intentions of ever enlisting."