Sunday, November 14, 2010

The First Thanksgiving

Yes the war on Thanksgiving has begun just a bit earlier this year. Of course the plan is to simply combine Halloween, Thanksgiving, Pearl Harbor Day, and Christmas into one conspicious consumption secular human frenzy that begins the second week of September and lasts until February (or Thanksmasdayoween for short). By combining the current ways of celebrating the three holidays into one we save time and money. Just think of it as Halloween getting a little jollier, and Christmas spookier, and everyone saying thank you for both. Of course if you want to be traditional, do what was done at the first thanksgiving (well it wasn't the first...not even in the New World but who really cares?) Wear some big buckles, don't bathe for months, fire off some muskets, eat some gourds, berries, stew some opossum, and watch football. However, the advantages of the combination holiday are obvious. "Librul" attitudes of entitlement are a big problem in America, and we believe it starts in childhood. One of the side benefits of Thankmasdayoween would be toughening children up a bit by scaring them a little before they receive their presents. Since the economy sucks, don't actually buy presents; but wrap some items already in the house such as a roll of toilet paper up in some old newspapers using stuff you find in the trash for a bow.

Here's all you need to know to participate. If your invited to a Thanksmasdayoween dinner anywhere be sure to ask for something other than Turkey, be creative! Some Tofu shaped like a drumstick will surely put a frown on everyone's face and that's after all what holidays are about.

This is the baby NFL's birthday too so don't forget to sing happy birthday! It's considered good form to switch the channel to some lame ass parade whenever something is going on in whatever game is being watched...turn back in time for commercials.

The proper attire for dinner is always a thong, preferably this one.

Some new traditions we reccomend include making a gingerbread house with pilgrims trick-or treating at the door while Geronimo gives them treats. It adds a certain exciting element of danger if naughty children are dragged inside to be cooked with the turkey by some old school Halloween stereoptype witch. After dinner the whole family should go out caroling and vandalize the neighbors houses if they don't give you candy. What sort of carols, you ask? Standard Christmas carols can be reworded fairly easily. We're working on "Hark the Herald Hobgoblins Sing!' and O Little Rock of Plymouth.' Bloody Old St. Nick is a favorite, as well as We 3 Stooges.
Don't forget to float fake eyeballs in your eggnog, and put skulls in your kid's dirty socks when they hang them on the mantle.Erect an outdoor nativity and stick some action figures in it.

You should try to start some lame discussion about what your thankful for and make it really longwinded including every damned cliche you can think of...(the birdies that sing, the Gibb brothers who don't, the guy who was first to drink cow's milk, etc.)

No one cares that the pilgrims actually ate venison, because they also wore ridiculous looking hats, and you don’t see us doing that, do you?

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