|Traditional Thanksgiving Is Under Attack From the Liberal Straw Man (on far left).|
|By National Buffoon|
Helen A. Handbasket
They are attacking the very nature of the holiday
- the promotion of gluttony!
Inexplicably the straw men are trying to force the socialist pinko commie notion that instead of gorging oneself into a coma that one should give the needy a little more and the broad-beamed a little less. They argue everybody is happier and healthier at the end of the day. This is blasphemy! We true traditionalists say the morbidly obese should always have more and the hungry less because that's the way God and the free enterprise system work! That's why Jesus, who of course was American and taught that greed is good while charity and decency was the devil; beat the crap out of the poor (The poor and their ilk annoyed the money changers in the temple simply by existing. The money changers had no interaction with them of course, but were annoyed anyway through osmosis.)
Liberal Straw Man Behind The Attack!
|The Liberal Straw Man is thinking up|
new holidays to ruin for you.
|Today they destroy Thanksgiving,|
Next it will be my Lawn Ornament!
We must draw a line in the cranberry sauce.
Yes that's right, you heard right...informed secret sources somewhere in an Orange County strip mall ministry have reported to some drooling nitwit masquerading as journalist on the Fairly Unbalanced Noose network that the Straw men want to dye your cranberry sauce yellow – which just happens to have been Benedict Arnold's and Adolf Hitler's favorite color! Not only that, but the society of pedophile football coaches is reporting that the Straw men practice witchcraft.
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By the time you get them all properly acknowledged and lauded, of course, the mashed potatoes will be cold and the rolls will be mouldy. That's how they destroy Thanksgiving.
We self righteous science denying Ignominious Ignorant gasbags, er I mean true traditionalists say "no"! (of course we say no to everything). The real god ,Jehovah, aka Yahweh, aka Elohim, aka etc., deserves the lion's share of Thanksgiving thanks. If you can't give him credit for the whole meal then he should at least get the props for the turkey and dressing...the ham, too, if you're one of those willing to pretend that Leviticus 11:7-8 doesn't exist. We simply can not allow the indignity that would result from the Lard of Lards being lumped in with the lowly demigods, nymphs, and satyrs who receive thanks for the various garnishes, gravies, and seasonings. He alone needs to be exalted for candied yams, the green-bean casserole, and the pie. It's in the Bible! (or maybe the constitution...one of dem things we never read, yup!)
Unfortunately at this point, the Straw men point out that being the supreme of supremes, he can re script at any time and exalt himself if he takes the notion. This makes all the true traditionalists heads explode and steam shoot out of the top of their noggins. The Battle of Thanksgiving is lost.