The U.S. Government- A Civics Lesson

Holding America Hostage

“Nothing stops odor terror like Febreeze™, the original Freedom™ fabric-refresher. Give your home a breath of fresh air!”
~ Former President George W. Bush on Febreeze™ fabric-refresher

The federal government of the United States is one of the most well-known

Freemason corporate autocracy

corporate-sponsored public service programs in the United States. The 'Government' creates laws and maintains order so that citizens of the United States may concentrate on buying products from corporations.

The Constitution

The Constitution of the United States was created for subsequent nitwits elected to congress to use for toilet paper. The board members of Toyota thought it'd be a good idea to try to put some funny ideas on paper to entertain fellow self appointed aristocrats and mislead the peasantry. It was kind of fun, but was quickly forgotten after the lyrics to "Rappers Delight" was released; a song by the funk band Sugarhill Gang, which George Washington and Ben Franklin had penned before the music industry collapsed.

Structure And Function

The Executive Branch

The President's main function is to fight vampires

The most despised man in the U.S. government, the 'head' of the executive branch is the President. The President's job, through his words and actions, is to be an endless source of  annoyance and crap jokes for late night comedians. His sworn nemeses are the Congress, the people, the media, and moral integrity.

The president lives in a giant time-share in Washington D.C. called the White House. His term of employment is four years, or, if he is able to wage war, he earns the proud title 'War-Time President', ensuring another four-year term in office.

While the president's duties, in addition to getting humped by Rupert Murdoch, consist of public relations, appointing his "cabinet-members" who act as human shields against the inevitable onslaught. These are normally friends of the president, out-of-work CEOs of bailed out financial institutions or in some cases former incompetent buffoons who ran dog or pony shows.

Legislative Branch

Speaker Of The House

The United States Congress is filled primarily with nitwits. Though some shitheads and various morons are sometimes also elected. The primary function of congress is historically to get itself re-elected through gerrymandering and to do as little as possible beyond annoying the president. Most of their law writing functions are outsourced to foreign lobbyists. The citizens generally find this objectionable however their opinion is discounted  entirely since they tend to be crazy and have no say in much of anything. The president and the people are the sworn enemies of the legislative branch.

Judicial Branch

The Supreme Court Of The United States

The Supreme Court's primary function is to oversee the wiping of asses with the U.S. Constitution. It oversees the distribution of the document to congress, the president, and executive bathrooms.

It isn't all fun and games though... Beside their crucial role as distributer of asswiping material, the supreme supreme court functions as mirth-makers and entertainment for the corporate overlords. Dealing with issues as diverse as kittens, homos, and satanism while being shot out of a cannon three hundred yards through the air onto a pile of hay. Often employing marital aids, lubricants, and anal plugs, they use techniques pulled out of their asses, semiotics and hermeneutics, as well as the extensive post-structuralist teachings of Jacques Derrida. The Supreme Court determines the correct application of the Constitution to the anus.

They answer directly to the corporations and their enemies are the President, The Congress, and the People.

SCOTUS Justice Sandra Day O'Connor

Dick Cheney

Dick Cheney became his own branch of the government in 2000, assisted by the Haliburton corporation. This secretive branch of the government is given the power to ignore laws, pepper their enemies faces with buckshot, and funnel federal revenues to assholes who already have more money than they can count.  The Cheney branch derives it's power from a magic constitution hidden in a secretive place, (Up Newt Gingrich's ass) which is believed to be filled with conservative zombies who guard it.

The Cheney Branch