Tuesday, January 8, 2013

Second Coming Less Than Triumphant

A much-awaited and oft ballyhooed comeback by mankind's Lord and Savior
 isn't quite having its intended effect.
Not long after returning to earth and attempting to bring back what he calls 'Actual Christianity,"
religious leader, God, Ho Ho Holiest Spook, and Son of a Gun;  Jesus H. Christ
is finding very few converts to his new reform movement,
and plenty of "aborted" Christians seeking better alternatives
to the  Kenyan Socialist ways of the Lord.
"The plan seemed to make sense at the time," remarked Jesus.
"Come back, prove that you're God, clear up some misunderstandings,
and maybe add a new New Testament or 2.
But it's starting to seem like old times all over again.
And believe me-those old times were shitty".

A recent poll funded by Jesus himself seems to be pointing towards a second Last Supper,
as a whopping 96% of the population believes Jesus is God
but wants absolutely nothing to do with any of his teachings.
94% want him to go back to Heaven and leave us alone,
and 38% "wouldn't be upset" if he were crucified again.
"Christianity was pretty cool before Jesus came back,"
remarked Christian unconvert Canaanite Baal, formerly known as Wooten Cross.
"I mean, it didn't take itself so seriously, and it managed to make bingo  fun and entertaining.
But Jesus is just plain out of control.
First he got rid of Christmas. Then he changed the lyrics to 'Amazing Grace.'
And now he's trying to ban Assault Rifles.
The guy pretty much ruined a religion
that had a successful 2000 year run without him and his liberal nonsense."

To make matters worse, the results of a worldwide Apostle search
also seem to be echoing that sentiment, as many were called, but only four showed up.
"Four apostles!?" said Jesus via his "Jesus H, Christ" Twitter account.
"Four apostles!?
I did better than that the first time around!
It's the liberal media. They're crucifying me. (What else is new?)"

"I think the guy's a couple of sticks short of a crucifix," said atheist Chuck Fables,
whose lifewithoutspooks website has seen a 20,000% increase in traffic since the second coming.
"And I don't care what he says-he's not God.
Don't get me wrong. His second coming was unlikely.
But by no means does that prove it was an actual act of God.
I mean, if Nature can add energy to old soup and create life,
it can also bring back a 2000 year old dead Jew who probably never even existed in the first place."

"Honest to God, God's really starting to annoy me," remarked Jennifer Love Johnsons,
head of The Religious Tolerance Churchything.
"He's completely intolerant of anyone who doesn't follow him.
And if there's one thing I can't stand, it's religious intolerance."

Even Father Paul Mark Toddlers, one of the few people who has supported Jesus since his return to earth, has been critical of some of his beliefs:
"I think he's taking this Bible crap way too literally. I mean, he really wants people to give up their possessions...to stop being materialistic.
He actually had me walk two miles with some homeless guy the other day.
And now he wants to bring back that "Golden Rule sermon on the mount shit?!
I like his zeal and commitment-but to be honest, I think he's something of an extremist."

The Second Coming has also caused church attendance to plummet, 
and forced clergy members to abandon their core focus of politics and finance.
"Jesus wants to bring an end to a $300 zillion a year industry,"
said Deacon Harry Bullocks of the First Tammy Faye Pentecostal Church.
"I mean, he's telling everyone to go home and pray in closets.
And just the other day, he had one of his thugs replace our crucifix with a Jewish star.
But as God as my witness, the Church will survive without this commie Jesus fellow."

The Catholic Church-now known as the Alternative to Christ Child Molesters
 -has already added Jesus to its heretics list,
and is scrambling to disassociate itself from its longtime Lord and Savior.
A special Council of Pseudomancy meeting is still working out the details
of the soon to be released New and Improved New Testament,
which-according to rumors-
will be centered around 20th century country music star Kenny Rogers.
"Jesus is trying to destroy the religion we spent years creating and promoting,"
remarked Pope Heartless Killchrist I (formerly known as Pope Ratznazi).
"We've been doing this for 2000 years-we know exactly what it takes to run a successful religion.
Jesus might be an expert when it comes to philosophy and metaphysical matters,
but he really doesn't know the first thing about this industry!"

Even former U.S. President  George Dubya Bush who claimed Jesus told him what to do
(though we all knew it was Dick Cheney fooling him by using the intercom)
is rushing to join the anti-Jesus crowd.
"Jesus is almost as  bad as a Communist Islamic fundamentalist North Korean Cuban Soviet homosexual,"  he said.  "He's against capitalism, free speech, and violence-and as far as I'm concerned,
that means he's against America.
And if you're against America, you're against God-even if you happen to be God.
We also have good reason to believe he's been developing WMDs.
  Jesus that he may take our afterlives, but he'll never take... our freedom!" 
OO  OO OO ahahaha oooooom

 Jesus was hoping to gain some popularity
with last night's Jesus Live-a miracle-filled TV extravaganza
that aired on 433,234,758 of the world's 856,784,212 TV channels
-but his Apostle count remained unchanged at four,
and it seems like Christ will need more than a miracle to win over the public.
"OK-most of those feats were impressive,"
said viewer David Beelzeblaine, "I'll give him that.
But the guy's not even healing people anymore.
He's just turning bread into more bread, and water into wine.
I mean, that didn't get him very far back in the old days
and magic really isn't that hot nowadays."

"I figured my comeback would cost us a few members," Jesus remarked,
"but I was hoping we'd gain a few hundred billion more.
I can't say I'm entirely surprised, though.
Ezekiel, Isaiah, and Jeremiah mentioned something about the Son of Man
being rejected and persecuted. I was hoping they were just drunk and talking out of their asses,
or that maybe they were referring to some other Son of Man...
but I guess they meant me."
"To be honest, I'm starting to rethink this whole reform thing.
I mean screw these morons.
Why bother?
They are hopeless and greedy. To hell with them!"

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