Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011 - THE YEAR IN REVIEW - Part 2

Herman Cain Non-Victims Come Forward

Sure, bizarre presidential hopeful  Herman Cain was dogged by allegations of sexual harassment, but this year he urged Santa, and the American public, to think of all the ladies that he hasn't molested. Some of the millions of women Cain definitely didn't harass have bravely come forward. As they point out, he made inappropriate advances toward only about 90 women, That's only 0.000000214 percent of the world's entire female population.  Cain claimed he's shown impressive restraint.

Republican Presidential candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney drew criticism today when, at a campaign stop in Iowa, he implied that not only are corporations people, they are actually super humans. Speaking at a luncheon sponsored by "Iowans for Any White Guy or Even Bachmann as Long as She Promises Not to Do Anything Once Elected"  (Results of a recent National Buffoon poll indicate that 98% of Americans blame corporate greed for the the nation’s high unemployment, the collapse of the housing market and that third Transformers movie.) Romney said “Compared to corporations, my friend, regular people suck. Corporations do the big things like support my candidacy, avoid paying taxes, rape the environment and, let’s be fair, a corporation was responsible for the first two Transformers movies. Corporations are what made America big.”

Asked if his rosy view of corporations might hurt him in the general election, Romney fell back on talking points that have been part of his stump speech for months. “I can’t worry about what the American people think. The only opinions that matter to me are my own, whatever they are, and those of corporate Americans, like Mr. Exxon and Mr. and Mrs. Dow Chemical. They’re the everyday, hard working, corporate jet flying real heroes who are going to get me elected, not some unemployed steel worker who isn’t worth billions.”


Bankers from across Wall Street stormed out of their jobs before flying in private jets across the country to San Francisco and other cities where they declared that they were protesting the anti-corporate agenda of liberal America. The bankers, who represent every major financial institution on Wall Street, demanded more government bailouts and larger bonuses. Jamie Dimon, CEO of JPMorgan Chase said "If you people would just reduce my taxes, maybe we would be out of the recession already. How the hell am I supposed to live on $21 million a year?"

The protests began in earnest after traders at Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley discovered that their bonuses would not be increased this year.  "We have put up with the liberal agenda long enough," thundered Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein over a bullhorn to admiring bankers. "Wall Street can't afford four more years of Obama." "Doesn't the President know that we are job creators?" asked Moynihan rhetorically. "I mean, not me personally...I just fired 130,000 people, but people who look like me."

With signs of "Profits Over People" and "Support Corporate Greed," the bankers defiantly asserted that they would continue the protest and remain on the streets until their demands were met. Immediately afterwards, the bankers adjourned to the Four Seasons Hotel for a five-course meal. Numerous Wall Street firms reserved several floors of the luxury hotel for their bankers to rest after a long day of protesting. Although the bankers had taken the night off, they made clear that the protest was still ongoing. "The residents of San Francisco and other cities better not get too comfortable," said Moynihan after finishing a dessert of creme brulee. "We have hired thousands of stand-ins for tomorrow's protest and private armies to protect them."

Gingrich Shows Up At Black Caucus
Horny & Drunk

Republicans’ efforts to bridge the gap between their party and minority voters (who overwhelmingly support Democrats) suffered a major setback yesterday after Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told a gathering of the Black Congressional Caucus, “African Americans will always be part of the fabric of American exceptionalism, but for my money, Asian hookers are the hottest and I brought a couple with me.”
Gingrich showed up unannounced at the Caucus’ weekly breakfast gathering because, “When I heard you were serving a crab omelet with parmesan cheese and bacon bits, I realized I care about the issues African Americans face in these tough economic times. Pass the ketchup boy.” After taking advantage of the breakfast buffet, Gingrich spilled milk on himself, burped, and gave an impromptu speech in which he called for “an America where everybody has a chance to succeed especially hot Asian Americans.” Gingrich’s remarks were not well received among members of the party leadership who have been pushing for a more big tent approach leading into the 2012 elections. Republican National Committee Chairman, Reince Priebus, called Gingrich to remind him that the GOP would prefer to keep its hatred of minorities a secret until after the elections. Priebus chastised Gingrich for “raising the issue of race in America when we’re still trying to figure out how to keep those people from voting.” Gingrich responded by releasing an amateur video that he says is proof he loves minorities.

Congress’ opinion of Americans
is at an all time low
According to a poll conducted by National Buffoon,  Congress’ approval rating of the American people at a paltry -3% - exactly the same rating that Americans gave Congress.
Congressmen and women gave several reasons for their low opinions of Americans. House Majority Leader Eric Cantor said he hates Americans “because they’re idiots if they think I’m going to do what’s right for the country when I came here to make a difference in the lives of people who really matter,”
Turtlehead Mitch McConnell said  “We should just throw all those bums out and get some new Americans in there who will elect a Congress that will put the interests of my Fossil Fuel Industry sponsors  ahead of the interests of that other, crappier batch of Americans whom we should just throw the hell out".
"Bums, I tell you!”
 Emotionally unstable orange man John Boehner expressed his disgust with the American people by disagreeing with Nancy Pelosi . “Whatever Pelosi said, I’m against it! Now, regarding my opinion of the American people, They suck, and Pelosi sucks!” ,
Nancy Pelosi, was one of the few who thinks the American people are doing a reasonable job. “Let’s be fair. Americans aren’t the brightest bunch ever to come down the pike, but they do have one thing going for them. They hate Congress, so they can't be all that bad”
Santorum Is Now Dick
Rick Santorum announced from his rubber room campaign headquarters that he is now officially a "Dick".
"I am tired of the whole google thing, so I changed my name, so that when people think of me, they’ll think of  Dick rather than that frothy mix stuff. When they see him debate next time, they’ll be all ‘Dick sure is taking a beating!’ or ‘Wow, that Dick has balls!’ or ‘Holy Crap! Did Bachmann just cut off Dick?!’ Anyway, the name suits me as most people tell me "you've always been  a total Dick.”
Santorum told National Buffoon “Look, I’m just glad to finally put that disgusting ‘Google Santorum’ stuff behind me. Oh, crap, what the hell am I saying? What I mean is this has been a huge pain in my ass.",

Perry Announced His 666 Plan
Texas Governor and GOP Presidential hopeful Rick Perry revealed  his new economic plan. He called it “Rick Perry's Yee-Haw Awesome 666 plan,” seems to have been directly influenced by Herman Cain's controversial “999” plan, though altered to accommodate Perry's personal flair. “This 666 plan will fix up your economy faster an' a Texas Governor can threaten to secede from the United States while throwing a hissy-fit about healthcare” said Perry during a press conference. “And it ain't nothin' like that Herman Cain guy's 999 plan. This one was made up by a white guy!  Perry's plan uses the same principal as Herman Cain's plan, but with a few twists. He's calling for a 6% flat income tax rate across the board, a 6% federal sales tax (similar to the “VAT” consumption tax in the United Kingdom), and to top it all off, he'd like to execute 6% of the population of the United States.
Congress Launches War on the "99 Percenters", Claims Poor Have WMD

The United States military launched a massive ground invasion of poor and middle class communities throughout New York City early this morning after Congress authorized the use of class warfare against the "99 Percenters," a decentralized military organization that has occupied strategic outposts in several major cities over the past month. "We can no longer sit idly by while these economic terrorists continue to occupy our country," screamed House Speaker John Boehner in a special joint session of Congress to discuss the war resolution. "Indeed, we have overwhelming evidence that suggests this mysterious organization has employed a variety of weapons of mass destruction with the expressed intent of destroying this nation." Susan Rice, the current U.S. ambassador to the United Nations, was directed to garner international support for the operation by supplying evidence that the "99 Percenters" were procuring financial WMDs. During the presentation to the U.N. Security Council, Rice displayed numerous photos of poor people using food stamps, accepting unemployment benefits and paying for medical care with Medicaid. "Clearly, these photos conclusively prove the desire of the '99 Percenters' to bring pinko John Lennonism to our nation said Rice to the audience at the United Nations. Despite the presentation, many countries were skeptical of the claims.  Some, including Michel Martelly, the President of Haiti, said the United States should end all hostilities immediately and begin negotiated peace settlements. "Poor people should never be treated this way," said Martelly.  Boehner, however, remained defiant on the righteousness of the cause, countering, "what does Haiti know about poor people, anyway?" The military is officially calling the attack a counter-offensive operation designed to relieve pressure on besieged economic infrastructure that might be offended if they saw some protesters or worse yet an actual poor person.. Major Wall Street buildings have been surrounded by the enemy forces for weeks, and supply lines of caviar have been completely cut off. Senior Republican staffers on Capitol Hill argued that if the siege was not lifted soon, all of southern Manhattan could fall. NBC News's chief foreign correspondent Richard Engle reported from inside the headquarters of Citigroup earlier this week that their supplies of Fois Gras and  Dom Perignon were running dangerously low. If supply lines could not be reopened by the end of the week, they would be forced to resort to filet mignon and Jack Daniels for sustenance. "Things are bleak inside the siege zone," said Engle during an interview. "Morale has been running low even since Citigroup announced their third quarter earnings. They only made $3.8 billion in profit. I've never seen it this bad before." It's of great concern  House Majority Leader Eric Cantor made it clear that the United States would not negotiate with terrorists and would not stop until the war was won. "We've been fighting this war successfully for 30 long years, and this is their last desperate attempt to change the tide of the battle," said Cantor. "But God as my witness, we will not stop until all  taxes are eliminated on every wealthy Wall Street Investment Banker." 
GOP  Elementary School Debate 
Ends in One Gold Star, Dozens of Frowny-Faces

 The GOP presidential rivals met up at a Des Moines, Iowa elementary school for another of the 1,294 presidential debates scheduled to take place prior to primary voting. Sat at school desks before a panel of grade school teachers, Herman Cain, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Michele Bachmann, and 67 other GOP candidates hoping to sell their books garnering all the free publicity compared their regressive tax plans, their hatred for President Obama, and their broad level of understanding of American history and contemporary foreign policy. Here are some of the highlight answers from the debate.

For the question “Who was the first President of the United States,” Mitt Romney was the only candidate to answer correctly, saying “George Washington” after a lengthy pause. Most of the other candidates, however, answered with Ronald Reagan, with the exception of Herman Cain, who was too busy hitting on one of the cafeteria workers.  When asked to point at Iran on a map of the Middle East, Rick Perry was the only candidate to answer correctly, after having closed his eyes, loudly sang the theme song to “Rawhide,” spun in a circle four times, and stuck his finger down blindly on the map. Meanwhile, Michele Bachmann answered that she wasn't quite sure where Iran was, but that she was sure President Obama was born there. Santorum yelled "There are no gays in Iran! I know that."

Immediately following the Iran question, the candidates were shown an image of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and were asked to identify him. Rick Perry asked if he “was that dude in Die Hard, Hans Gruber.” Michele Bachmann yelled “gesundheit!” and began explaining her plans to build not one, not two, but eight electrified fences between the United States and Mexico, with a mile-wide moat running the full length of the border, which would be filled with battery acid, and other liquids that are essentially the same thing. Meanwhile, Mitt Romney  suggested Ahmadinejad looked a little like Rick Perry. Then the candidates were asked to bob for a dollar in a 350 degree deep fat fryer which all unfortunately survived.  In the end, Mitt Romney won a gold star for his correctly answering “George Washington” early on in the debate, and six smiley faces for various other answers, making him last evening's clear debate winner. Herman Cain meanwhile had earned four smiley faces, but no gold stars, for all the times he responded to questions by grinning creepily in slow motion. Rick Perry and the others, vowed to no longer participate in debates after a series of shoddy performances, came in tied for third place, with one smiley face for managing to respond to many of the debate questions without once pooping their pants
America Abandons Space Program, Expects McDonalds To Take Over
The US government is literally handing over most everything to a handful of corporate entities.
Haliburton will take over the Dept. Of Energy.
Exxon will now own the Dept. Of The Interior.
AT&T will own the FCC.
Rupert Murdoch will own the Dept. Of Education.
The Government itself will be a minor division of Goldman Sachs.
Other Important Events Of 2011
Britain Went Broke Throwing A Wedding Party
Japan was nearly destroyed by a big wave...
Japan was destroyed by a nuclear accident
Libyans overthrew and killed Muammar Qaddafi 
(though not for being a brutal dictator, rather; for having an unforgivably bad sense of fashion.)

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