Friday, December 16, 2011

Peas On Earth - More Awful Holiday Decor, Cards, & More!!! More!!! More!!!

By National Buffoon Editor,
Benjamin New, Esq.

Well it's been nearly a week since we collected enough awful seasonal  doo-dads to post a page about them here at the National Buffoon. It appears that during the intervening days, lead-based paint supplies have run dangerously low as more Chinese factories have come online, flooding the markets with with even more ugly retina-singing awfulness which should be kept away from small children and ideally everyone with functioning frontal lobes as well.

The War On Christmas-The Battle of Epiphany
 Santa has been targeted with Weapons of Midnight Mass Destruction
  Time to fire up your Intercontinental Bellistic Mistletoes!
Peas On Earth, and pass the ammo
indoctrinate the young ones.

Grease Light Up Holograph
According to the product description, this god awful ornament “lights up and plays part of ‘Hopelessly Devoted to You’.It holographic pictures that change scenes, a very unique ornament for the Grease fan.”
It is our experience that anything that lights up while playing a song should immediately be hurled down a long flight of stairs or dropped from a balcony.
Two words: ‘Grease fire’.

The Holy Hot Dog
Nothing invokes the miracle and proper spirit of Christmas quite like intestinal casings filled with scrap meat, lips, and sodium nitrite rendered in glass. According to the product description, this magical ‘old world’ gift ( picture Medieval craft guilds offering this up to some particularly despised supernatural ne'r do well) is “glittered for you to enjoy and cherish as a holiday heirloom”. If by “cherish as a holiday heirloom”, the people who wrote this mean “sell at a yard sale for 5 cents come spring”, then, yes, it could be used in that manner.

Don't We Usually Just Recycle These Things?

If you buy a hundred of these things and litter your mantle with them,
Scrooge will be visited by the Ghost of Andy Warhol.
 (Whether the split-pea soup version is equally collectible remains to be seen).
According to the product description this retails for $8 US. and
it has ‘Never been displayed’...we hope this holiday tradition continues.

The Traditional Decapitated Teddy Bear
It's basically your good old-fashioned stuffed teddy bear with a standard light bulb fixture
and a lampshade where its head ought to be. Perfect for prepubescent serial killers.

Once In Royal David's Butcher Shop
 What could possibly be more festive than fake pork?

Spare No Expense expense whatsoever, you can find these in the dumpster behind any Dunkin' Donuts.
Stick a bit of ribbon from some gift you received last year and viola!
Imagine the faces of those who receive such a wondrous thoughtful (if not ponderous) gift!

Christmas Is In The Air
...And in the crapper.
Imagine your tree all decked out with plumbing and poop themed ornaments!
Is this the origin of the yule log?
(Santa Claus is going)

O Come All Ye Faithful
Don't tell me the makers of this candle didn't realize
this is how it would look if you burned it.
(Santa Claus is coming)

Chet's Nuts Roasting On An Open Fire
Phallus Navidad?

The Little Dumper Boy
 This is not photoshopped. In parts of Spain defecating is part of the Christmas tradition.
They include this in their manger scenes. Really!
God's restroom ye merry gentlemen.

 Christmas Excitement!
Ding Dong Merrily On High?

Xmas Card Photo Public Service Announcement
from the The Dribblers 
 Don't forget to shake!
 Apparently Santa Is Bad Sometimes Too.
 Did someone cold cock Santa for giving them a crappy present?
Or perhaps one of the naughty girls Dads didn't like Santa's candy cane gift.
Or maybe he just got drunk the night before and fell on a lawn sprinkler.

I sure hope this gift is returnable.


Tehranchik said...

Excellent as usual!

MarkScottOller said...

Hi tehranchik,

This is Mark Oller, formerly from AOL propeller, and I am glad I found you. I just wanted to say that I started the most uncensored 'truther blog', anywhere.

If only I can get it working properly. It is necessary to type the URL on the address bar and click My Blog Just Another WordPress site.