Monday, December 31, 2012

The Complete Concise Bible In A Nutshell

The bible explains that baseball is underlying purpose of the universe,
as it says in  Genesis 1:1 - "In the big inning"...
Genesis 3:6- 'Eve stole first and Adam stole second.'
Rebekah went to the well with a "pitcher" 
Exodus 4:4 "And he put out his hand, and caught it" 
Numbers 11:32 "Ten homers" 
Proverbs 18:10 "The righteous run into it, and is safe.
Ezekiel 36:12 "Yea, I will cause men to walk"
Noah was an investment guru, he floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Cars, like dinosaurs and giants existed back in biblical times ... yes, the disciples were all in one accord.
and God drove Adam and Eve out of the garden in a Plymouth Fury.
Pharaoh's daughter was the best financier in the Bible,
she went down to the bank of the Nile and picked up a little prophet.
The first tennis match mentioned in the Bible is when Joseph served in Pharaoh's court.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
which is bread made without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert after people walked like them.
Afterwards, Moses, Larry & Curly went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Condiments.
The first condiment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The Fifth Commandment is to humor thy father and mother.
The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

  Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
Boaz was a Ruth-less man before he got married.
The Phoenicians invented blinds.

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.
When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in the manager.
One wise man was extremely tall. He hit his head on the top of the door frame and said, ''Jesus Christ!'' Joseph looked at Mary and said ''Write that down -- that's better than Clyde!''
St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you.
He also explained, "Man doth not live by breasts alone."
Jesus called his disciples together and said unto them: "What about you? Whom do you say that I am?"
They answered him, saying, "You are the Christ, the eschatological manifestation of the kerygma that is the ground of our being, whose meaning we discover in our interpersonal relationships."
And Jesus said unto them, " Huh? ...WTF?"

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tomb stone off his face.
The people who followed Jesus were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was by profession, a taxi driver.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.
He preached holy acrimony...the idea that a Christian should have only one wife.
This is also called monotony.

It is a sin for a woman to make coffee, in the Bible, it says . . . ‘He-brews’.
Ancient manuscripts confirm a disturbing conclusion: that ghosts will one day haunt your underpants.
It was written about in The Dead See Scrotals.

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