Saturday, December 29, 2012

Frequently Asked Questions About Death

You're dead. Now What?
Nothing. That's what.
No whining or bitching. Because you can't. You are dead.
You at least want some questions answered?
You'd probably be better off just getting used to keeping quiet,wise ass!

In your first and final venture into mortality, you may notice the weather is neither hot nor cold, and there are no rainy or sunny days. Or more specifically, you may have noticed how "weather" does not exist.  In fact, you may find in your dead state that approximately 100% of the sensations and phenomena you were familiar with in your living days are surprisingly nonexistent, much like yourself.

What is death?
Remember how, when you were breathing, you wasted hours and hours watching shitty television?
Well, this is exactly like that, except without the shitty television.
Perhaps you have noticed a light shining in the distance.
Do not approach it.
In the past countless slab jockeys such as yourself
  have fooled themselves into believing it was  Ed Zeppelin's Stairway to heaven,
or possibly an angel food cake,
or even God.
However, it's my cell phone blinking.
I have messages.
You don't though.
Because you're fucking dead.

You Are Dead FAQ ..........
  • Q: I was a good person all of my life. I lived honestly, I respected others and I made every effort to help those in need, whether family, friend or stranger. So, where do I cash in on this?
  • A: Please take the zero-value voucher you didn't receive to the nothing counter. Nobody will hand you a large box of nothing full of the finest nothing. Enjoy!

  • Q: I was basically a selfish, belligerent asshole throughout my entire life, but I still think I was pretty sweet. What do I get?
  • A: Gather a party consisting of nobody and head for the Forest of Nothing. You will not find your way through it. You will not come to a cave. Within the nonexistent cave, you will not battle a ferocious dragon. Upon defeating no dragon you will not break an ancient seal that does not lead to any secret treasure cove filled with the most splendid nothing in the entire non-existent kingdom. Congratulations!

  • Q: If I hadn't read this article would I still be alive?
  • A: ...Yes.

  • Q: Can I become a zombie?
  • A: ...No.

  • Q: How about a ghost?
  • A: No.

  • Q: Maybe a vampire?
  • A: No!!!

  • Q: Werewolf?
  • A: No!!!!! That doesn't even make sense!

  • Q: Animated skeleton?
  • A: SHUT UP!!!!!


For more on death see this wiki for nihilism.

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